The weather was amazing today. For me the weather is much more than a trite topic. After a long winter (does winter always seem long?) I feel as if I need years of sun to make up for the short, cold days endured. Today was bright and warm. I wanted nothing more than to run outside.
Instead I settled for the sun which came through the open window as I lay on the floor curled around my heating pad.
Today was a beautiful day, but it was a beautiful day which served simply to remind me that I am not living fully. Chronic pain is only so useful. Mine seems particularly meaningless. It is not meaningless in the “oh, how tragic!” sense. It is meaningless in the sense that I make little use of it. Perhaps if the pain were more significant it could be meaningful for me. But as it is, the pain is simply pain. I am tired of it, and I get nothing out of it. I know about working with pain to bring one closer to God. But at this point the pain seems so mundane. I am accustomed to it so it does not have a sharp, purifying effect. It simply is. And it simply makes me shuffle through my days with little purpose other than avoiding more pain.
My goal is to get healthier so that I will have the strength to dive into more pain if necessary. I want to be just enough better so that I can force myself to go for a jog on days like today. Yes, it will hurt more at first, but such pain is necessary for recovery.
I want to live fully. I want to have the strength to work through the pain to run to health. I want to be unreservedly thankful for beautiful days. I don’t want to keep lying on the floor wishing that I could really live the day I see.
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