One of the downsides of the pill–for me, at least–is depression. It is not the debilitating depression that I endured with one of the experimental1 drugs I tried while attempting to avoid the pill. But it is still depression.
It is a dramatic lack of any sort of emotion. It is the inability to think of anything with which to bribe myself because nothing interests me. It is the reality of being shocked to see tears in Josh’s eyes because I did not feel anything as I rambled on with hurtful words. It is in the sudden absence of the happiness in which I have stood in awe for over a year.
Sometimes Josh asks what he can do to make me happy. I raise an eyebrow. You’re good man, but nothing can compete with these soul-sucking hormones.
I plan to put up with it for as long as possible because in the pill I trade feeling for doing. What I lack in motivation I can make up in action, if only I choose. I can get things done, and I know that is good, even if I cannot feel it. I may not care much about what I do, but at least I know that I will appreciate it later.
As the pill kicked in and I first thought about all of this, I was thankful for evidence that I wasn’t just an insane religious person for running from the pill before. I may discuss some things in religious terms, but depression is something any reasonable person should should want to flee!
Several times I have tried to figure out how to explain it to Josh. I thought that the word “numb” was inappropriate because I’ve had a lot of dental work recently, and numbness involves surrounding areas of tingling and “off” but very real sensation. My experience on the pill is closer to a little death.
But then it turned out that it is actually numbness.
In the midst of the depression I have liked one thing, and felt one thing. More precisely, I have liked one person, and felt for another.
I like Josh. A lot. I am immensely thankful for this since I know from experience that it could just as easily go the other way. I do not feel able to actually connect with Josh, but I still like him. On most days when I try hard to think of something I might like I am able to conclude that I would like to be with Josh. That is grace.
And then there is the burst of heart-stopping feelings which have played around in these past two otherwise emotionless months. It is renidemus. Every time I read Anne’s posts or tweets my heart is suddenly back, and I know the crushing feeling of life and death exploding within me. Anne is pure beauty.
I can’t describe why she is so amazing without offending those who simply cannot understand this beauty. So I will not try. But oh, God. Somehow I can still feel this, and it is incredible to share in such emotion when I feel nothing else.
And tonight I turned on my computer to check her blog for an update. And it is nothing less than joy.
1. Well, the drug itself isn’t experimental, but the off-label use certainly is. One of the things that infuriated me about NaPro was finding out that so many NaPro fans don’t even realize how much is experimental and what is and isn’t normal. Seriously, how could you recommend that people try drug x when you haven’t even bothered to research the uses for which it was FDA approved? Oh, right. Normal people don’t associate fan-dom with research. I’m odd.
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