On a typical evening I am home by the time that Josh arrives. One of the advantages of a small apartment is that I always hear Josh arrive, so without thinking I stop whatever I am doing and go to the door to greet him.
The other evening I was not feeling well and so I stayed on the couch. When Josh looked over and saw me he was surprised and said that he did not realize that I was home, because I had not been at the door. I told him that I had at least closed my laptop and turned toward him. I asked if that “counted” and he said yes, except that it did not count for letting him know that I was home. I was surprised to realize that I really do greet Josh at the door every night. Apparently I really am that clingy.
Then I remembered.
Perhaps I am incredibly obsessed with Josh, and that is why I unthinkingly stop whatever it is I am doing when he arrives home. Or, perhaps I am obsessed with him because I deliberately focus on him so much.
I don’t remember when it happened, but two years or so ago I decided that I should pay more attention to Josh. One of the things on my imaginary list was to greet him each evening. After all, if Josh were important to me, then clearly I would prioritize him by doing things such as greeting him at the door. Right? Right. Since I knew that he was important, I clearly had to make my behavior reflect that fact.
And then I quickly forgot why I was doing it, and thus found myself thinking of myself as a crazy-clingy wife who mindlessly drops whatever she is doing to run to greet her husband.
Kathleen Basi has this great post up about how Reality Beats the Fairy Tale All To Pieces. While I never worried that I might miss out on someone more right for me than Josh, I did obsess over whether marriage was right for us. It was an incredible relief to be married, because there was no longer the question of what is right or wrong. I know what is right: there could not possibly be anyone more suited to me than Josh, because Josh is my husband. Duh, huh?
I have always known that love is messy and that things might not work out well. But what I missed in that knowledge was the confidence and joy and sheer delight that comes from living consciously with the understanding that this relationship may indeed be as awesome as it seems.
I no longer think of it consciously as choosing Josh. Instead I think of it as choosing to celebrate rather than fear. I choose to embrace the great Myth of us.
I realized this evening that I am more in love with Josh than I was on our wedding day. I do not love him more, but I am more in love. Of course there have also been days when I have been less in love, but as I get to know Josh better, as we live out our marriage more completely each day, as I love him there is so much more freedom to be in love.
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