Not on not apologizing (or ewwww, gross!)

I was going to apologize for my casual reference to panic attacks in my past post. I was going to explain that I did not mean to reduce the very real suffering of people who actually struggle with them.  I was going to explain that while I have only had one panic attack in my life, it was enough for me to know that it is silly to talk as if one can simply choose to not have them, and then perhaps I would explain why I was being silly in that post.

But it was so much easier to simply take the post down.

I so love “easier” these days!

On Saturday I went for my first real run in half a year.  Well, “run” may not be the best term, since it was a very hilly 5k.  I learned a year and a half ago that running on hills, especially down hills, is a good way for me to get stress fractures. So until I lose enough weight, I walk on hills. I ran enough on the flat parts to keep my sister in view.  She was not feeling the best, so we coasted in around 35 minutes. I was so very proud of myself for completing my first training run of 2013 without injuring myself. Josh completed his fastest 5k ever despite the hills and not feeling well, but he was not even aware of his past paces enough to know this. Good thing he has me to make him focus on important things in life.

On Sunday morning I got lost in time trying to reorganize our closet (having stuff is bad, FYI) and was quite shocked when Josh told me that it was time to leave for church an hour earlier than I was anticipating. In the afternoon we walked the Billy Goat Trail and I may have spent the entire time teasing my sister about how it is the last bit of nature that she will get to see since she is leaving soon for the city. And no, DC does not count as a city. If it did, Josh would not let us live here.

It was a lovely day, and everything was fine other than the random sharp shooting pains in my chest. What’s up with that?

I woke up at 3:00 am again, and was almost a little disappointed with myself as I realized that my stomach was less than happy. Am I really doing this 3:00 thing routinely to prove my doctor’s point or something?

I almost smiled when the vomit came within seconds of me standing up to go to the blessedly close bathroom. Aha! This was much more like food poisoning than the result of poorly managed emotions. So much for my thoughts about how I like to take responsibility and admit mistakes, I much preferred to have physically worse pain that I could attribute to eating something stupid rather than being emotionally immature.

In the morning I asked myself WWMFD? As I vomited some more and pondered whether to go to work. This was my first flu-like situation in 3 years, and I could not even keep tea down. But, what if I were sick every day? If I knew that I were going to have a week like this, would I stay home for the entire week? Certainly not.

So I went to work, spoke with the appropriate superior from the appropriate distance, officially called in sick while still in the building, and completed my commute home. Clearly I’d never survive in Margaret’s world, but I managed my entire round-trip commute without vomiting! I am so awesome.

It seems that everyone is in so much pain today.  Since I have fallen behind with twitter and blog reading I discovered weeks worth of pain as if were all today, which, in a sense, it is.

As my fever rages on, I fear that I find it to be a useful diversion from the rest of the world. And it is bad when you use sickness as a way to hide from pain, right?

I am sorry world. I love you, and I am so very sorry.


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