Y’all, I need some information on marriage.
This is one of those super-annoying posts that seems to be directed at married people, but containing questions probably best answered by single people with open eyes.
What exactly do you do to get to that point where everything is old and familiar?
I read just about everything about marriage before I got married, so I know that at a certain point you are supposed to feel all cozy and comfy and fully informed about everything without ever trying. People talk about this right after they talk about the spark being gone. They say that it is so much better than anything else, even if they do miss the zing! of the early days.
They way in which people talk about this frequently sounds very sad in a sour grapesish sort of way, but the underlying concept of familiarity and comfort sounds lovely.
In some ways I suppose that I have always had this, this comfort. One of the things that stunned me about Josh was how instantly comfortable I was with him. I was not a physically affectionate person–and the entirety of our physical contact at that point was shaking hands–but I could have melted into him if only I had been able to come up with a sufficiently good explanation.
Our relationship also shows signs of familiarity in the sense of efficiency. We still have precisely the same fights as always, but it now takes us about 1/10th of the time that it used to to work through the same fights when we were dating and engaged. Now that I think about it, it is rather stupid that we don’t fight more since we’re now so good at going through everything so quickly and passionately!
Recently I have been beyond grateful that we have had the chance to understand each other well enough that we can communicate quickly and precisely in times of crisis. So I suppose that I do know Josh well in some ways.
But. But we don’t have, or at least I don’t have that old and familiar thing that everyone talks about. I am beginning to suspect that it is not simply a matter of time as some have implied. Or perhaps it is a matter of time, but the amount of time is highly variable? Or perhaps it is time, but only in the sense that time is required to undergo the experiences required to gain this worn comfort?
Of course I am not really complaining. I suppose that in some ways I need the underlying awareness of not completely knowing Josh, the nagging otherness, the alertness that comes from knowing that I don’t know. I can’t really believe that I am doing anything wrong when I am so much happier being married than any other married woman I know.
Yet. Yet I would like to know what it is that I am missing. It may not be possible to have it all, but more information is better, right?
What do you think about relationships, familiarity, contempt and comfort? Is marriage unique in this case, or just one variation of closeness that applies to all friendships? Should I just make Josh sit down and tell me everything about himself?
- Thoughts on Anger
- I am thankful 8/18/2013