In December reality finally broke through to me. I am a failure in just about every area that counts for me. This has been the case for as long as I can remember. My body is a failure, my mind is a failure, I am a success only as… oh, nothing.
The realization though was not that I was a failure. Or even a compilation of failures. Instead the realization came as a question: why is it not okay to be a failure?
The answer was obvious enough: because failure is by definition not okay. But I am not always satisfied with obvious answers since the obvious answers are often the lowest quality answers.
So I looked for other answers: it is not okay to be a failure because it hurts others. That is not a bad answer except that it fails to take into account reality. In reality no one is better off by my efforts to resist the truth of my failure. In fact, it seems fairly clear that embracing truth and accepting failure would hurt others little compared to the constant struggle to fight through reality in order to claim a neutral, non-failure, status.
The other explanations for why being a failure is not alright were even easier to dismiss.
And so, without any rational explanation for why I had to continue resisting the status of failure, I decided on acceptance. It would be even nicer if I could have simply accepted myself in a more direct fashion, but this was bliss enough.
It has been all of two and a half months since my change in thinking and I still have to correct myself when I naturally slip back into my futile battle with reality. But the lovely twist is that I must now accept the fact that I fail to automatically integrate my new beliefs about my status as a failure. And perhaps someday I will be jolted by the reality that I have become a success at embracing failure. That would be sweet indeed.
If you’re about to comment about the importance of failure, then you should at least know that you completely misunderstood this post. And I may add you to my list of those who are failures as commenters.
- Hi, I’m Mrs. Josh
- Choir Stalls