Pregnancy Readiness Test

When deciding whether to become pregnant most women focus on whether they are ready to support a child. That is, of course, all well and good. It is nice to know that one has all the extras settled. But what about the urgent questions? You know, “am I prepared to serve as the cosmic compost pile for all of the world’s unsolicited advice?” etc.

I was reminded of the importance of such questions this evening while waiting in line at the grocery store. A Very Pregnant Woman (henceforth VPW to differentiate her from the “sort-of pregnant women” out there) was being questioned by the Person Bagging Groceries (PBG).

PBG: Oh! You’re pregnant!
Me: No! She did not know that!
PBG: Do you know what you’re having?
Me: A little green monster?
VPW: A boy.
PBG: Do you have the name picked out?
VPW: No.
Me: Ha. Smart woman. She is probably tired of people telling her that Mildred Ethel Lastname is not only a girl’s name, it is an ugly one at that.
PBG: Oh. Well, may I suggest a name?
Me: Only if you’ll start bagging the poor woman’s groceries more quickly. She looks exhausted!

I know that this was most likely nothing compared to all the other things this woman deals with, but for me it was a good reminder to consider all the things one must consider before deciding that one is ready for pregnancy. Thus I present The Pregnancy Readiness Test. Ask yourself:

1. Do I enjoy being frisked by strangers?
If the answer is “YES!” then maybe I am ready to be pregnant. There is nothing like a round belly to shout to the world that one is just dying to be touched. There is a reason we give children teddy bears and dolls that laugh when you squeeze their stomachs. We know that some day these children will encounter a pregnant woman and they need to be trained to automatically touch the woman.

2. See #1.

3. See # 1.

Well, maybe that wasn’t so complicated after all. Since the readiness test is so easy, there is no reason to skip it!

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12 thoughts on “Pregnancy Readiness Test

  1. Mindy

    LOL! Funny. My best friend and I used to joke that you’re ready to have a kid when you’re willing to lug a stroller AND diaper bag AND your purse AND this or that everywhere…now she’s 6 months pregnant, so I guess she’s ready! You’re never fully prepared for parenthood, is how I look at it… When that time comes, we could always order you a t-shirt that says “no touchee!” on the belly part, Rae :)

    1. Jason Roebuck

      I am going to have this T-shirt made for my wife today…The top will say, “It is a girl!” and the bottom will say, “Yes, we are happy and NO she doesn’t approve of touching her stomach!” Thanks for this post and I can’t wait to share it with my wife, God bless you!

  2. Sophia

    I was choking with laughter as I read this. You’re just too funny!
    I was never one to touch another person’s belly though. I still think it’s kinda…I don’t know, too touchy-touchy?
    as for me, I don’t think I ever want a baby. I’m just not mama material.

  3. Christine

    That’s really funny! Poor VPW. I guess in the baggers defense, he/she probably doesn’t know what else to say to said VPW.
    Touching people’s belly reminds me of the very awkward scene in Juno where the future adopted mother is talking to the belly in the middle of a mall.

    1. Rae Post author

      Agreed about the bagger. I think that she just likes to talk to everyone and it was the most obvious thing for her to talk about with this person.

      I still haven’t seen Juno.

  4. kaitlyn


    I plan on being evil pregnant woman, full of witty, scathing comebacks and ninja hands if anyone comes near my belly.

    So it’s more like “I’m ready, and I’m prepared to both verbally and physically smack you.” :)

    (I suppose that is not very nice of me, huh.)

  5. Susan

    Hilarious column! When my friend was pregnant, she decided to have “ninja hands” too: “If someone reaches for my belly without my permission, I’m smacking their hand.”

  6. Genavee

    Right now I plan on looking obnoxious people in the eye and very calmly asking them why they feel it is ok to ask such invasive questions about a strangers personal life (or touch them, or whatever it is that they are doing). I doubt I’ll actually have the gumption, but seriously why do people think the basic laws of decent social interaction cease to exist around a pregnant woman?

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