Is it a bad thing when you’re trying to figure out how to phrase a post because you are aware that saying things in the most obvious way may make people think that you are depressed?
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
In any case, I was trying to write an email this week. Actually, I tried to write several emails, almost all of which still languish in the terrible swamp of unending-drafts. But in the case of this particular email I was trying to explain why I needed to pursue healthcare for myself now. And I could not do it. My mind found nothing as I sought reasons why I need to be well.
I perform well below my (former) intellectual capacity at work. I come home and am so exhausted that it is all I can do to tap out a poorly written post. I go to sleep. I buy groceries. I clean up a little around the apartment and cook some on weekends.
In short, I do everything that I need to do. I neglect my friends and family, but that cannot be quantified, and who is to say what is needed when it comes to relationships?
When I am awake enough to think I remember that this is not quite right, and I really should do something about it now that I have the resources, but my motivation is quite limited. I am not desperate to be better. I am accustomed to being in pain. Thus, even though I still live with levels that should indicate that somethingneedstobefixednow!! I am unmoved because the pain is so much less than it once was.
So there it is, the dark side of accepting life as I must live it now. I am content, I am fine, and I am utterly enervated when it comes to seeking health.
That looks a little depressing, but I am fairly certain that it is not actually an indication of depression. Exhaustion? Yes. Depression? No.
I know that when dealing with depression I should typically endeavor to carry on with whatever it is I had planned on back when I felt well. Yet that method does not work so well in this case because it has been so long since I really felt well, that I do not have anything recent enough to pursue now. I know that I should pursue health, but I have no reason other than health in itself. That is almost enough. Yes, yes it must be more than enough in some ways, but I know that health comes so much more naturally when one can coax the mind into wanting it for some reason or other that is larger than health itself.
This is, unfortunately, not a time to revive old dreams or restore hope. It is simply a time of waiting. That is all well and good, but it is quite difficult for me to combine calm patience with the energetic force required to pursue health.
After all, it is not as if I need to be well.
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