Live Like You Love
On a typical evening I am home by the time that Josh arrives. One of the advantages of a small apartment is that I always hear Josh arrive, so without thinking I stop whatever I am doing and go to the door to greet him.
The other evening I was not feeling well and so I stayed on the couch. When Josh looked over and saw me he was surprised and said that he did not realize that I was home, because I had not been at the door. I told him that I had at least closed my laptop and turned toward him. I asked if that “counted” and he said yes, except that it did not count for letting him know that I was home. I was surprised to realize that I really do greet Josh at the door every night. Apparently I really am that clingy.
Then I remembered.
Perhaps I am incredibly obsessed with Josh, and that is why I unthinkingly stop whatever it is I am doing when he arrives home. Or, perhaps I am obsessed with him because I deliberately focus on him so much.
I don’t remember when it happened, but two years or so ago I decided that I should pay more attention to Josh. One of the things on my imaginary list was to greet him each evening. After all, if Josh were important to me, then clearly I would prioritize him by doing things such as greeting him at the door. Right? Right. Since I knew that he was important, I clearly had to make my behavior reflect that fact.
And then I quickly forgot why I was doing it, and thus found myself thinking of myself as a crazy-clingy wife who mindlessly drops whatever she is doing to run to greet her husband.
Kathleen Basi has this great post up about how Reality Beats the Fairy Tale All To Pieces. While I never worried that I might miss out on someone more right for me than Josh, I did obsess over whether marriage was right for us. It was an incredible relief to be married, because there was no longer the question of what is right or wrong. I know what is right: there could not possibly be anyone more suited to me than Josh, because Josh is my husband. Duh, huh?
I have always known that love is messy and that things might not work out well. But what I missed in that knowledge was the confidence and joy and sheer delight that comes from living consciously with the understanding that this relationship may indeed be as awesome as it seems.
I no longer think of it consciously as choosing Josh. Instead I think of it as choosing to celebrate rather than fear. I choose to embrace the great Myth of us.
I realized this evening that I am more in love with Josh than I was on our wedding day. I do not love him more, but I am more in love. Of course there have also been days when I have been less in love, but as I get to know Josh better, as we live out our marriage more completely each day, as I love him there is so much more freedom to be in love.
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“But what I missed in that knowledge was the confidence and joy and sheer delight that comes from living consciously with the understanding that this relationship may indeed be as awesome as it seems.”
I so often forget to realize my relationship with A really is as awesome as it appears to be, instead I often look for what flaws we have, which is really a terrible way to live in relationship.
I just love that you go greet him at the door. I should do that. It’s more complicated when there are four kids clamoring for dinner. Somehow it doesn’t feel very romantic to go kiss him hello with the soundtrack of shrieking in the background. But I should embrace it and go with it!
Currently the kids race to greet him, so I have to wait my turn but I agree prioritizing showing affection to your spouse is important.
“I realized this evening that I am more in love with Josh than I was on our wedding day. I do not love him more, but I am more in love.”
I understand what you mean. In the 10+ years that K and I have been married, our love has changed. It has become deeper. We’re no longer the incredibly sappy college sweethearts. But we know each other better. Our interactions have become smoother and less awkward. We trust each other more and can allow the other to come closer. Deeper into each other’s lives.
I never had any doubt about marrying K or about getting married. Our discernment process went something like: “I really like you. You really like me. Let’s get married!” “Ok!” Interestingly, I was recently involved in a twitter conversation about how the idea of discernment and “God’s Will” makes people overthink romantic relationships in an unhealthy way.
I think we forget the grace of the sacrament and that marriage, like anything, improves with practice.
My mother always ran to the door and kissed my dad as soon as he came home in the evening. She made us wait our turn to hug him. She just always did it, even if she was mad at him. So I always assumed I would just naturally do this. After all, I adore my husband, right? But I didn’t start doing this consistently until after we adopted our son. As soon as he started crawling, he would race to the door shouting “da da! Da da!” Then I realized that I usually just waved from the kitchen or whatever. Now I’m trying to greet my husband at the door every night, because it really does make him feel like a rockstar.
I love this! The mystery of the Sacrament – those who get it, “get it”, those who don’t, well, my heart is saddened for them!
I greet The Man (or he me if he beats me home) and it really does set the tone for the evening. (And while we don’t have 4 kids shrieking for dinner like Kathleen, we do have two dogs that continue to be newly offended every evening when they are not the first to be greeted. Somehow, they’ve survived – but if you asked them, they would tell you it is only just survived.)
This is an awesome post and it’s so true. We’ll celebrate 14 years of marriage this year and the romance (at least in the sense that most of society views romance) isn’t what it used to be. There are 5 kids (with 1 on the way) running around and pre-teens who give us funny looks and go, “ew” when we hug and kiss. But we do it anyway.
I don’t always get to the door in time but I always try to stop whatever i’m doing to greet him. I think its definitely a good thing to celebrate each other in the small ways.
Hi! My “spouse” a and I are going on teen years together and honestly I’ve been really needing a site or blog like this for some time. Let me first that we’re not married but have been faithful we could never afford to get or more appropriately be married. Our relationship was as UN expected and so far out of each other’s dark and unhappy dad futures as any doomed drug fueled relationship but for what ever reason we I really believe God had his hand it, we stayed together for years we still used and we got clean together. Now I was a completely different man from the one she met I trying to come to terms with my disabilities when w we met doing poorly at it and was still trying to work. There is so much I have say to her now but she doesn’t see me or hear me anymore hasn’t in a long time we went on a weekend get away just 2 weeks ago and it was great except it was the same she heard only negative things when I was trying to just be honest about her feelings with me. About how she has been I’m gonna start reading everything on her to try and get back the real us cause when we’re together at our best there are no limits to what we can accomplish I know she loves me but that’s are times when I feel like she wants to leave me. Thanks for blogging