I am thankful

For internet at home! Our internet has been, well, significantly less than advertised since we moved in. But a few weeks ago it stopped completely. After I spent 4ish hours on the phone trying to get help, Josh told me he really was fine with me cancelling service. Magically enough, they were suddenly able to get a tech out here to provide us with more consistent slow internet. But slow and inconsistent is so much better than none at all!

For Rebecca. Also a few weeks ago (hmmm, noticing a suspicious trend here!) I got to meet Rebecca of The Road Home. Now that I have met her I can say that she is one of the nicest people I have ever met (as opposed to something like “um, I think she might be one of the nicest people out there?”).

For Catholic hospitals. Before my surgery on Thursday this lovely sister (nun) came by and prayed for me… and gave me a foot massage! She was perfectly pastoral and found out about my religious preferences and whether I would like her to pray prior to doing so. It was a privilege to be in a context of such good Catholic healthcare.

For Josh and the comfort of marriage. There is something to be said for “growing up” with one’s spouse, even if it isn’t typically worth the high divorce rate etc. Josh says that he hasn’t actually matured in the past four years, he just acts more mature. Alas, I am not yet mature enough to care whether we’ve actually grown up, or are only acting more mature.


The Essentials

vaticanspy: “It’s attitudes like yours that tear down the moral fabric of our culture.” re: my announcement that I’m keeping my last name.

VitaCatholic: @vaticanspy Because we all know that modern Anglo-Saxon naming practices are essential to a moral culture.

RCGuerilla: @vitacatholic devil’s advocate: just what IS essential? who decides? are we picking and choosing here? its OK to keep my own name, but …see that lady wearing pants with the kids in sports jerseys at church, it’s HER fault we are in the shape we are in.

What is essential?

Love is essential.

For some people the question of names is essential for love, and so it really is essential. Some women cannot truly believe that they love a man unless they have visible signs of shedding their former identity and joining themselves to him. For such a woman, taking her husband’s names is essential. Other women cannot really believe that it is love unless they are fully accepted as they are without any expectation of change. For such a woman, not changing her name is essential.

For Josh and me, names are not essential to love. That left us with the option of thinking about names rationally, and determining what we thought was best for both practical and symbolic purposes.

Other things were essential though.

The status of “engaged” was essential to Josh. So we got engaged. Being able to see each other at least a few times a month was essential to me. So Josh moved. Sealing our relationship with Catholic vows was essential to both of us. We knew that wherever our marriage would go, and whatever our personal religious views might become, we wanted to start with the Sacrament of Marriage. It was essential to our love, and so we did it.

What is essential? Love. Who decides what is essential for really loving? We all do.


Writing vs. Blogging

Are you a writer?

She is a writer?

I am beautifully naïve when it comes to writers–or at least aspiring writers–online.  I realize that blogging is a great way to both express one’s literary genius and promote one’s personal brand. But unless you explicitly state that you are a writer and talk about things like agents and real deadlines, I won’t suspect a thing.

And that is why I am continually shocked to find that hidden beneath the perfectly nice blogs I read are eager little writers just waiting for their moment(s) in the sun. Really, people? But you seemed so nice and innocent!

No, really.

It seems that all of the dear, gentle bloggers in the world really want to be writers. There are dreams, and sometimes even plans for someday. Someday to be discovered. Someday to be published. Someday to make money off of words.

And I am baffled. I mean, I can understand a few people wanting different things than I do, but this is like finding out that everyone in the world secretly aspires to be a taxi driver in Tulsa! And then there is still the issue of why these aspiring writers are all masquerading as normal bloggers.

Let’s get real. The typical blogs that I read are not a good way to market oneself as a writer.

Maybe blogging is good practice for sitting down regularly to write, but then maybe that isn’t true at all.  The very nature of personal blog-writing is so very different from writing a novel or working on an article based on someone else’s interests and deadlines.

And then there is the fact that these blogs are not well-designed or at all optimized for exposure to anyone beyond, well, a small handful of readers like me. So they can’t actually be that helpful in finding people to pay for one’s writing, either directly or indirectly.

This is why it would never make sense to me to hide my writing ambitions behind my little blog. And this is why I am continually baffled by the fact that this is what everyone else is doing, and it is an open secret that only I am not in on.

She is a writer.

So here I am, finally admitting that I am not a part of the club I never knew secretly existed around me. I blog, but I am not a writer.

Are you a writer?


Family Planning Advice From A Mother Of Six

Every family is different. Every mother is different. Every family’s size should be determined based on what is best for that particular family. And it is next to impossible to understand a family’s dynamic based on size alone.

My mother in law is both gracious and wise. This means that she has said absolutely nothing directly to me about what I should or should not be doing in the way of family planning. That is a very good thing since I am neither wise nor gracious and can only imagine what I would say in response. I am sure that it would make for a wonderful blog post, but a horrible relationship.

During a recent visit the subject of family size came up. I was very happy to hear her wisdom on determining how many children to have.

She said that when her children were young people would ask her how on earth she did it all with six children. And she would dismiss their awe and think that it was really no big deal. She just did it.

But now she looks at families with ten children and thinks the exact same thing that the parents of two children used to think about her. She said she knows that if she had had a seventh child it would have broken her.

The important thing is not whether your family size seems large or small from the outside. What matters is how things work for you. And sometimes what seems so natural to you will seem dreadful to others and what seems impossible to you will be perfect for someone else.

Be wise.  Be generous with yourself and your children. Be gentle with yourself and your children.

I suppose that my mother-in-law does not need to give me advice because I can read it all there between the lines of what she says as she reflects on her own life.

What is some of the best family planning advice that you have been given? Was it given directly?


Blogging Advice

Blog when you are excited.

Blog when you are sad.

Blog when you are thrilled.

Blog when you are beyond mad.

Blog whenever you are emotional and passionate and fiercely determined to make the world understand your experience and sympathize with your view.

And then save your draft. Get some sleep. Wait to actually publish it another day.

This may not almost certainly will not stop others from hating you, but it will at least make you less vulnerable when you see whatever people decide to say in response to your honest, passionate truth.


1,000,000 Reasons Why You’ll Never Get Married

Whenever I want to be either offended or amused by someone’s stupidity I go to my local library and look up books and articles written for single people to let them know precisely why they are single and what to do about it.

The topic never fails to disappoint. No matter how sane the author seems at the start, by the end of the treatise I am amuse-o’ffended enough for the rest of the year.

And now after 25 years of this game I will seek to give back to others who are seeking enlightenment about why it is that not everyone on earth is already married/engaged/dating/officially partnered in some socially acceptable fashion.

First of all, I am well qualified to expound on this subject because I am 25 and have been not-single for something like 5 years. This means that I am clearly an expert at pairing off early, though at the same time I’m still fresh enough to know exactly what you’re going through. It does not matter if you are 45 and have a child my age, if you are single you should listen to me because I am the one who is married, so I am the expert here! You need me to show you how to get married because obviously I’m the one who knows how to do it!

Seriously, I’m not sure how people can take themselves seriously as experts in this area. If you’re actually some sort of relationship therapist type who has studied these things for years (with diplomas on your wall from legit universities) and is giving advice to a particular client/patient–okay.

But otherwise, I really don’t want to hear about how you know what you’re talking about because you have been married three times, or married to one person for 50 years, or were desperately single until you were 28 and then won the marriage game, or just got a steady boyfriend last year and now want to save singles from their misery. No matter what your experience, it isn’t going to be applicable to the majority of your audience.

Either you’ve been not-single for so long that you’ve forgotten what it’s like, or else you don’t actually know much about what it’s like to be married since you’re still rather new at the whole committed life thing. Either everything went smoothly for you and you got married at the perfect age and thus have no idea what it is like to wait “too long” or else you are just as much of a “failure” as those you’re preaching to, and your advice is just conjecture on what you wish you had done differently. But obviously there was a reason that you did not do things differently, so why exactly are you so sure that you’re qualified to dole out mate-catching advice to the masses?

Now that you understand why I am the one who is the expert at this, let’s talk about you. The oh-so-horribly single you.

1. You are too picky. You need to learn to settle. This is the essential advice of all how-to-get-married articles. Because, after all, the only point is getting married. If you’re holding out for a decent person whom you not only respect but also have some sort of emotional connection to… well, let’s just say it doesn’t take self-appointed expert at non-single life to see that your failure to accommodate reality is really the only thing preventing you from getting married.

Yes, you might think that being a stay-at-home-mom is the most important part of life, but the point is to get married! You need to accept the fact that some men just don’t want to have kids and adjust your life expectations accordingly.

There is absolutely nothing that you should not be willing to compromise on. Even books written for Catholic women on how-to-get married will remind you that there may not be enough good Catholic guys to go around. So don’t be an idiot. Marry any (live) man you can find!

In reality I’m obviously fine with wannabe SAHMs changing their plans and with Catholic women marrying non-Catholic men. But it is beyond disturbing to see advice written for specific groups of women that undercuts their highest ideals and informs them that they aren’t married simply because they are too picky.

2. You overestimate your value. This is closely related to the first point, but not exactly the same. You see, everyone knows that committed relationships are all about game theory and we all walk around deciding whether to go out on a second date based on how we rank ourselves in comparison to how we rank our date. If you are single then obviously you think you’re better than you are. As the great Shakespeare said, sell while you can, you are not for all markets!

While this reasoning is compelling (after all, who doesn’t like to kick someone who is already down when they come looking for advice?) it doesn’t match up with my reality. Good, “marriageable” young men are often intimidated by women who they see as above them, and every woman knows that if a guy seems too good to be true you should run since he’s clearly just a player. The truth in my experience is that the women who are too attractive are more likely to be overlooked, and the women who are too successful can’t be approached. After all, he thinks that she will either turn him down, or else even if she doesn’t turn him down she won’t be content with the stereotypically domestic female role in marriage, and that’s what the good, marriageable young men are looking for in wives.

Either that, or maybe it is just that the good, marriageable males of my acquaintance have wretched taste and really do like frumpy girls better. Silly boys!

3. You haven’t waited long enough. Just be patient and it will happen. Everyone gets married eventually. I know its true because I don’t have any friends who aren’t married. So just wait around a bit longer and you’ll magically find yourself married!

Think that statistically this might just not work? There simply aren’t enough people around who balance out the equation correctly (for instance, too many single young women in your diocese etc.)? Well then, either you’re to picky (see above) or else you don’t understand how this magically thing called divorce works! Just wait long enough and someone will be cycling through spouses and pick you up! Yay!

Um… not yay. I think that patience is a great virtue, but it is so generically necessary in life that I don’t see the point in trying to foist it on single persons in particular. And the rest is somewhere between unhelpful and psychotic.

4. You need to change who you are, your lifestyle, everything. If you are assertive you need to learn to be more mild and allow others the chance to chase you. If you are passive you need to learn to be more aggressive. If you live in a rural area you need to move to the city. If you live in an urban area you need to move to the country where the farmers are looking for wives. If you are a people-person you need to be more reserved. If you are shy you need to be more outgoing. Whatever you are, whatever you do–you’re wrong. It is you who needs to change.

Remember the first point? Insisting on being yourself is just another form of pickieness. You shouldn’t demand to be loved for who you really are. If you want to get married you’ll have to be willing to change everything but the most essential aspects of yourself. And by “most essential” we mean your determination to get married. Everything else must be open for negotiation.

After all, if you didn’t need to change, you wouldn’t be single. And getting married is all about changing everything.

This is one of the oddest parts of the prevailing advice. Present in all of the how-to-get-married advice is the constant (if more subtle) implication that you should be more than willing to stop being yourself in order to be married. And to my thinking that is far, far sadder than spending the night alone eating ice cream and watching 101 Dalmatians.

Ultimately, all of the focus on GETTING MARRIED is really just that, a focus on getting married. It has nothing to do with healthy relationships, living well, or even keeping a marriage together once you’ve trapped your man said your vows.

And that is why we should all pity those who spend their time writing this stuff. Imagine what sort of life one must lead to think that being not-married is oh-so-hellish that one must save all the single people and at the same time to live a married life that is so boring that one would choose to spend one’s time writing books on how to get married rather than actually enjoying married life with one’s spouse.

Or maybe they just have lots of extra time on their hands in the evenings because while they found spouses they do not have children. Someone care to write me a post with 1,000,000 reasons why I will never have a baby?


Sex, Fear, and Vaccination

What determines the difference between heartbreaking stupidity and a blazing, brazen act of hope which will save the world?

I don’t know.

In my recent post on Monogamy and Health Care I detailed a few of the differences in health care which are reasonable for the sexually monogamous (as opposed to the general population). My intention was to help some understand a bit more of the different assumptions that go into decisions regarding health, and another part of why it is absolutely abhorrent to suggest that it is somehow best for sexually unfaithful men1 to expose their wives to STIs and silently carry on with life without informing the wives of their now compromised health.

But underlying all of this remains the question: is it ever actually reasonable for women to risk their health on the assumption of their spouses’ sexual fidelity? Can it be rational for a woman to tell her doctor that she is aware of the fact that she is betting her life on her husband’s honesty and fidelity, and she is quite willing to do so?

The answer to this is sometimes yes. Love of every type involves risk, and sexual love is no exception. We can do our best to minimize many risks in many ways, but ultimately there is always some risk. The only question is what degree of risk is acceptable to any given person. And that must be a personal decision.

Some of us must quite deliberately cultivate a seemingly naïve hope and make choices which reflect faith in the possibility of a life which is radically different from what most will experience on this earth. Others must realistically weigh their options and minimize the damage that inevitably comes in this life. To some extent we all create our own realities, and it is simply incorrect to suggest that one choice is best for all of us.

This is true in general, and it is true in the particular case of HPV vaccinations. Unfortunately, there is not a vaccine available against STIs which is either entirely effective or entirely harmless. If there were, I would have no hesitation whatsoever in supporting it wholeheartedly in every case. But that simply isn’t reality.

There is a vaccine against the two types of HPV that cause 70% of cervical cancers. To some it is clear that everyone who can be should be vaccinated.

But the numbers are more complicated.

HPV Facts (taken from CDC’s various fact sheets):

  • HPV is so common that at least 50% of sexually active men and women get it at some point in their lives.
  • Approximately 20 million Americans are currently infected with HPV. Another 6 million people become newly infected each year.
  • Most people who become infected with HPV do not even know they have it.
  • In 90% of cases, the body’s immune system clears HPV naturally within two years.
  • Screening tests can find early signs of disease so that problems can be treated early, before they ever turn into cancer.
  • Not having sex is the only sure way to avoid HPV.

Cervical cancer facts (taken from cancer.gov)

  • Cervix cancer is rare in this country today because most women get regular Pap tests.
  • Almost all women who have had sex will have HPV at some time, but very few women will get cervix cancer.
  • Most cervix cancer can be prevented.
  • Finding abnormal cell changes early with a Pap test can save your life.
  • Cervix cancer is rare in women who get their Pap tests.
  • There are treatments for the cell changes in the cervix that HPV can cause.
  • Women who have their Pap tests as often as they should are least likely to get cervix cancer.
  • Smoking and HPV infection may work together to cause cervical cancer.
  • Diets low in fruits and vegetables are linked to an increased risk of cervical cancer.
  • Women who are overweight are at a higher risk of one type of cervical cancer.
  • Long-term use of birth control pills increases the risk of this cancer.
  • If your mother or sister had cervical cancer, your chances of getting the disease are 2 to 3 times higher than if no one in the family had it.

Essentially HPV is very common, but cervical cancer is both rare and almost always preventable, even without vaccination. Furthermore, since one can know one’s relative level of risk for cervical cancer, one can choose to be hyper-vigilant about screening for precancerous cells if that is appropriate.

There remains the question of why one would allow any risk at all. Sure, an HPV vaccine may only reduce one’s risks of cancer ever so slightly, but why not take all of the protection that one can get?

And that brings us back to the fact that vaccines are not actually risk free. The value of vaccines comes from the fact that their benefits typically dramatically outweigh their risks, especially when considered from the perspective of the population as a whole. But no individual woman is the population.

As of February 14, 2011, approximately 33 million doses of Gardasil were distributed in the U.S. Since February 14, 2011, VAERS received a total of 18,354 reports of adverse events following Gardasil vaccination in the U.S. Of these reports, 92% were reports of events considered to be non-serious, and 8% were reports of events considered serious…

VAERS defines non-serious adverse events as those other than hospitalization, death, permanent disability, and life threatening illness.

The vast majority (92%) of the adverse events reports following Gardasil vaccination have included fainting, pain, and swelling at the injection site (the arm), headache, nausea, and fever. Fainting is common after injections and vaccinations, especially in adolescents. Falls after fainting may sometimes cause serious injuries, such as head injuries, which can be prevented by closely observing the vaccinated person for 15 minutes after vaccination.

Any VAERS report that indicated hospitalization, permanent disability, life-threatening illness, congenital anomaly or death is classified as serious. As with all VAERS reports, serious events may or may not have been caused by the vaccine.

There have been some reports of blood clots in females after receiving Gardasil. These clots have occurred in the heart, lungs, and legs. Most of these people had a risk of getting blood clots, such as taking oral contraceptives (the birth control pill), smoking, obesity, and other risk factors.

As of February 14, 2011, there have been 51 VAERS reports of death among females who have received Gardasil. Thirty two of these reports have been confirmed and 19 remain unconfirmed due to no identifiable patient information in the report such as a name and contact information to confirm the report. A death report is confirmed (verified) after a medical doctor reviews the report and any associated records. In the 32 reports confirmed, there was no unusual pattern or clustering to the deaths that would suggest that they were caused by the vaccine and some reports indicated a cause of death unrelated to vaccination. Source.

These numbers look good when considering the entire population, but that is because the entire population consists of many women who are at significant risk for contracting HPV, including those who receive inadequate health care and are unlikely to receive Pap tests frequently enough.

But for an individual woman who is at unusually low risk of contracting HPV, the risks of the vaccine suddenly look worse. A headache and fever may not be that bad if it is the price to pay for significantly reducing one’s risk of cervical cancer, but if the risk of cancer is negligible to start with, then the added risk of  “non-serious adverse events” becomes at the least an unnecessary nuisance.

And then there is the question of cost. The HPV vaccine was determined to be worth the financial cost based once again on the general population. The Catholic Medical Association asserts that:

Cost-effectiveness models have estimated about that, overall, a program of universal vaccination of adolescent girls will cost $23,000–$45,000 per quality-adjusted life year saved. These cost-benefit ratios fall within the range generally deemed acceptable for preventive medicine.

Which is, of course, all well and good for the general population. Yet once again, no individual woman is the general population. And while the experts who determine the cost-benefit ratios simply cannot pull out individual women as exceptions, the women themselves–with the help of their personal health care providers–can. Thus it is entirely reasonable both to provide a general recommendation for a vaccine, and still recommend against it for an individual patient.

Unfortunately, while HPV vaccines can save some lives, the costs savings of the vaccine is limited because women who have had an HPV vaccine still need routine Pap tests. The vaccines currently available are only effective against a few of the many strains of HPV, and it is not currently known how long the vaccine will be effective without a booster shot. Hypothetically, a 12-year-old could be vaccinated, but then not be protected at all once she is 35.

What does all of this mean for you? I have no idea. Only you, your doctor, and those you love can figure out what the risks and benefits are for you as an individual.

What does this mean for me?

I am 25. I have not yet been vaccinated. No medical professional has recommended that I be vaccinated, presumably because I am at abnormally low risk for contracting HPV. I am well aware of the fact that I could dramatically change my sexual practices in the future, or that I could be raped. While I have a high dose of self-skepticism and unhealthily high fear of sexual abuse, I seek to make medical choices rationally rather than out of fear.

I personally find the idea of vaccinating out of concern about rape to be incredibly troubling. I know that I cannot personally make a difference as I cannot tell my insurance company to redirect $400.00 toward rape prevention programs rather than vaccines for me. But I am still a part of a larger system. It is positively revolting to me to participate in encouraging that system to spend money on what turns out to be an exorbitant cost-benefit ratio for protection against consequences of rape rather than investing the money in reducing rape.

It is highly likely that I will enjoy good access to health care for the rest of my life. Should my risk for HPV change, I will simply increase my vigilance by having regular Pap tests and prompt treatment for any cervical cell changes caused by HPV.

Because of all this it seems clear to me that it would not be wise for me to request vaccination against HPV. If my irrational fear were significant, then I would think the vaccine worth it simply for mental health reasons. But given the fact that I am not afraid and the cost-benefit ratio is drastically different for me than for the general population, I will not seek to be vaccinated.

In the future I expect to have children and be faced with the question of vaccinations for them. I suspect that a vaccine against HPV will be standard for a 12-year-old girl and readily available, though more optional, for a boy. Given the greater uncertainties about my children’s futures, I would most likely choose to have them vaccinated.

The CDC has chosen to promote vaccinations for girls rather than for boys, but because of the subculture in which we live, my son would be more likely than average to end up marrying a woman who had not been vaccinated. We will seek to promote not only sexual monogamy as a part of chastity for our children, but also responsibility and concern for the well-being of one’s sexual partner.

It is important for young men to grow up knowing that any sexual activity will put them at risk for contracting infections, and that these infections could ultimately both prevent them from having children and even kill a woman whom they love. While I do not think that fear of STIs is an effective promoter of abstinence for most young people, I do think that it is important for young people to have a realistic understanding of risks, and vaccinations can provide a time for discussion of all the things that cannot be vaccinated against. Like your heart! ::sniff sniff:: I’m sure I’ll be the type of mother who tells her children that the number one cause of death is broken hearts– so they’d better run from sex!. Ehem, what I meant to say was that even if the benefits of protection against male cancers are smaller, warts are still gross, and as long as boys are carriers of STIs, it makes sense for them to be part of the vaccination solution.

Since my children will be perfect, they will not only be perfectly chaste, but also loving, generous, and forgiving. That means that they are likely to marry people who have different sexual histories and risk factors. The future will be much less clear for my child as a pre-teen than it is for me as a married 25-year-old, so vaccination will make a lot more sense statistically.  It is possible that we will know more about the risks of vaccinations in 5-15 years and they will not be universally recommended, but if they are, I see no reason to object to my children being vaccinated.

Fear is a powerful motivator when it comes to decisions such as whether to vaccinate against HPV. One can have an irrational fear of HPV and cervical cancer, and one can have an irrational fear of sexual activity and promoting teenage licentiousness. I cannot always control my fear, but I can seek to understand which choices I am making out of fear, and which are based on the evidence relevant to me and my situation in life.

I know that many of you will disagree with me on this, so please do comment (with lots of links to legit sources!) and explain your view and why it makes sense for you to make different choices.

1. For some reason the discussion seemed to keep returning to the idea that the husband would be the unfaithful one (despite my best efforts to not suggest that) and there is also the fact that the female reproductive system is more vulnerable to disease than the male reproductive system. Currently, there is no test to find HPV in men so it is impossible to simply test and then inform one’s spouse after the fact if the results are positive in a negative way.


In Defense of Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is necessary. As the saying goes, if it did not already exist, we would need to invent it.

There are some who suggest that we should abandon Mother’s Day because not all women who are mothers are worth celebrating. But even the fact that we know that some women who give birth are not really mothers in the full sense suggests the fact that we know that there is something about motherhood which is inherently worthy of celebration. Yes, some women fail to mother well, but their failure to do so is so very significant precisely because mothers are hugely important. The failure of some should never cause us to neglect to celebrate those who love so very well!

Some say that there is no need for Mother’s Day, because every day should be filled with thankfulness for all that mothers do for us. While it is in a sense true that every day should be a celebration of our mothers, this is not reality for the vast majority. If you call your mother every day and give her gifts regularly and tell her 20 times a week that you love her–good for you! The rest of us need specific reminders and days to celebrate our mothers. Most humans need holidays and seasons to focus in on specific aspects of life, love, and important relationships. And so, for most of us, a specific day to celebrate mothers is absolutely essential.

Others suggest that celebrating mothers pains those who have an unfulfilled desire to be mothers. This is certainly true, at least in the sense of reminding some women of the hurt which they may be seeking to forget. But we do not fail in our duty to recognize Veterans because we hurt those who wish to join the military but are unqualified. I do not ignore my friend who fought at Fallujah because I have another friend who dreamed for years of joining the military but was unable to live his dream of service due to knee issues. Those who suffer from depression of any sort should be supported, but we must not allow the sadness of some to destroy our celebrations of those who constantly give so much.

Some assert that Mother’s Day should be ignored because it is over-commercialized and cards, chocolate, and flowers are stupid. Well, if your mother likes something else better, then by all means give her whatever she prefers. But don’t reject the chance to celebrate mothers simply because you do not like the way in which others celebrate!

Others insist that Mother’s Day is not worth celebrating because all women are mothers in the sense of nurturing others, and motherhood is not the meaning of womanhood, or else motherhood is the meaning of womanhood and so we should celebrate womanhood rather than motherhood, or some other variation of the same. This is a reasonable abstract thought, but it has little connection to reality. Mothers must give themselves to their children in a way which is distinct from other womanly nurturing relationships. The very reason that infertility or the inability to adopt hurts women so very much is tied to the fact that actually being a mother is different. If mothers were not especially worthy of celebration, then there would be no sting for those women who are left out of the celebration, because it would be meaningless.

Ultimately it is of the utmost importance to remember that motherhood is real. It is not some abstract ideal which we idealize and cherish in our minds. It is real women living real lives and sacrificing themselves in real ways. Because of this, they need real support, thanks, and encouragement.

Mother’s Day can be incredibly hard for those of us who never had a real mother in our lives, who have lost our mothers, who have lost our children, who are unappreciated by our children, or who do not yet have children despite our desire. But Mother’s Day is difficult precisely because it matters.

Mothers must be celebrated, and Mother’s Day is one perfect little step towards the fuller celebration which should pervade all of our lives.

Mothers, you rock. Happy Mother’s Day!


Monogamy and Health Care

I have a really, really weird sexual background.

Oh no wait, that is not what I mean.

I was raised in a context where many people did not ever have sex outside of marriage, and went through life married to one person who also never had sex outside of marriage.

And this sort of sexual deviance (from the apparent norm in the United States) continues even today!

But for those raised in contexts where they saw their parents have multiple sexual partners and their health classes teach that it is only a matter of time before everyone catches some sort of STI (so you need to be really, really careful kids!) it can be unthinkable to consider the health care situation of the sexually monogamous.

SIDE NOTE: this is the point where I offend 90% of my readers by explaining that for this post, “monogamous” means only having one sexual partner over the course of one’s life. We will also assume that that sexual partner is also monogamous, and then offend all of the good upstanding Christians by excluding them from consideration by labeling them as “serial monogamists” or “converts to monogamy” or something else equally offensive which brings back nightmarish memories of the 2008 Republican Presidential primary when people wept tears of outrage over the realization that–Lord Have MERCY–the MORMON was the only truly monogamous one! And now that you understand how the term “monogamous” is being used for this post, let’s return to being deadly serious. Because, issues of health care are ultimately deadly.

This post, my (former) friends, is to educate you on (a few of) the realities of health care for the monogamous. I may not agree with the decisions in all of the cases described below, but they are all at least reasonable decisions given the circumstances.

So now, a peek into the bedrooms doctor’s offices of the monogamous.

Vaccines against STIs (such as Gardasil and Cervarix and any others that may come along eventually) are stupid. Of course they may or may not be good for “other people” but it makes no sense to subject a now-abstinent future-monogamous young person to them. After all, they will not ever be exposed to these STIs, and in the case that they should choose to marry someone who is, er, reformed, then they will have their engagement to get all of the vaccines.

There are fewer possible causes to consider when dealing with fertility issues. While just about no one actually thinks that their sexual history could possibly impact their fertility (after all, we all only slept with 2.2 people who looked very hygienic and always relied on synthetic materials which are 80% effective at preventing the transfer of STIs!) a doctor is more likely to be convinced that that is actually true if one has been monogamous.

When it comes to actually having babies, various tests and treatments for both mother and baby (all with their own minor risks) can be declined. Again, it is a completely different situation for a woman and her partner who are actually monogamous, compared with those of us who just feel good about our sexual history and know that we couldn’t possibly have anything like that to risk transmitting to our perfect little babies!

Speaking of babies, you can safely have more babies without stressing as much about your cervical health. Giving birth to three or more children increases your risk of cervical cancer. But you can give birth 20 times and cervical cancer will probably be no where near on your doctor’s list of worries if you are monogamous. That is not to say they won’t have lots of other worries about you, but that is beside the point.

And best of all, fewer Pap tests! Most women should have Pap tests every two years, but health care providers should be fine with few to none for women who really have virtually no risk whatsoever for cervical diseases.

There are, of course, many more differences, but I am a 25-year-old with no medical training, and who really needs to know more anyway?

The point is simply that you should know that health care is rightly different for couples who are sexually monogamous. Women in particular need to know their partner’s sexual history and whether they have been exposed to STIs despite only ever engaging in sexual activity with one man.

And while I am on the topic, let’s not pretend that exposure to STIs is a one-time-and-it-is-settled-forever thing. Previous stupid actions in which you risked exposure do not guarantee disease transmission. You (or your innocent, unknowing spouse) may have gotten lucky in a way which actually counts. So please don’t act as if there is no point in seeking testing and treatment and being smarter in the future. There is a point: your actions now matter for your health, regardless of what you have or have not done in the past.



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