There Is No Wealth But Life

The Things We Do For Blogs

By Rae March 10, 2011 Goals 10 Comments

Last May when Josh and I went on our epic road trip I planned for us to stop by Niagara Falls. But it turned out that we needed to drop one of my sisters off at the Detroit airport in the afternoon, so we did not get started back East until late in the day. I still hoped that we could stop at least briefly, but as the day dragged on and traffic became a reality it began to be obviously stupid.

For some reason that I can no longer remember (but which may have involved crazy border agents and insanely long lines waiting to cross both ways), we had decided to not drive through Canada. So Niagara was a solid hour out of the way. Josh was absolutely exhausted and so as we approached Erie I made the decision for us: we were going to skip Niagara Falls for this trip. I explained to Josh that I did not even really want to go.

I had just gotten the idea in my head once that he should see the falls at some point in his life and I wanted to visit all the great American natural wonders together and so I had put “visit Niagara falls with my husband” on my blog list since we had lived in New England at the time I made it and it seemed reasonable then but obviously I did not really care much about my list and we were so very tired and… I didn’t get to finish my rambling explanation because Josh said something like “Oh! I didn’t realize it was on your list. We’re going.”

I tried to explain that I really was fine with not going and that not only are the falls not that impressive, I was not even keeping up with my 101 in 1001 list. But Josh responded that it must matter at least a little since I had remembered that it was on my list, and he was going to help me cross it off.

So we headed north.

Josh slept as I thought of how crazy it was, though perhaps the really crazy thing was how wild I felt on this jaunt to nowhere at a time of night when all the restrooms seemed to be closed.

I was worried that they’d turn off the lights by the time we got there since it was close to midnight, but it was all bright and touristy, even though there was barely anyone around. Thankfully Josh’s terror of heights caused him to find the falls most impressive. He proclaimed it pretty, wished that there weren’t so many buildings and lights, and wanted to leave fairly quickly since he found the whole thing wooze-inducing in his exhausted state.

We proclaimed the side-trip a success, and I mentally crossed another item off my blog list.

Then we drove to New Hampshire, and almost a year later I wrote a post about our adventure.

Choir Stalls

By Rae March 9, 2011 Catholicism 19 Comments

Today is Ash Wednesday. That means that Lent is here. The fact that it is Lent means that I get to go to a local monastery to pray almost every day. I love monasteries. They are peaceful and wonderful. You don’t need to be at all religious to appreciate the great beauty of silence and the holy rhythm of community life.

While I love monasteries, I don’t typically have much time for religious ecstasy or meditation when visiting. I am too busy thinking about things like choir stalls and how much I hate them.

I would not hesitate to sign up as a monk were it not for three things: I am a woman, I am married, and choir stalls make me contemplate hyperventilation rather than God. Seriously, have you really looked at those things? Something about the little walls on the sides of each stall makes me feel claustrophobic, and I don’t even get claustrophobic unless I’m hiding in a coat closet with at least six siblings squished in on top of me.

Tell the truth: what part of monastic life keeps you from signing up? And what are you really thinking about in situations where others might imagine that you’re being very holy or intellectual, or otherwise superior?

On Being a Failure

By Rae March 6, 2011 Failure 13 Comments

In December reality finally broke through to me. I am a failure in just about every area that counts for me. This has been the case for as long as I can remember. My body is a failure, my mind is a failure, I am a success only as… oh, nothing.

The realization though was not that I was a failure. Or even a compilation of failures. Instead the realization came as a question: why is it not okay to be a failure?

The answer was obvious enough: because failure is by definition not okay. But I am not always satisfied with obvious answers since the obvious answers are often the lowest quality answers.

So I looked for other answers: it is not okay to be a failure because it hurts others. That is not a bad answer except that it fails to take into account reality. In reality no one is better off by my efforts to resist the truth of my failure. In fact, it seems fairly clear that embracing truth and accepting failure would hurt others little compared to the constant struggle to fight through reality in order to claim a neutral, non-failure, status.

The other explanations for why being a failure is not alright were even easier to dismiss.

And so, without any rational explanation for why I had to continue resisting the status of failure, I decided on acceptance. It would be even nicer if I could have simply accepted myself in a more direct fashion, but this was bliss enough.

It has been all of two and a half months since my change in thinking and I still have to correct myself when I naturally slip back into my futile battle with reality. But the lovely twist is that I must now accept the fact that I fail to automatically integrate my new beliefs about my status as a failure. And perhaps someday I will be jolted by the reality that I have become a success at embracing failure. That would be sweet indeed.

If you’re about to comment about the importance of failure, then you should at least know that you completely misunderstood this post. And I may add you to my list of those who are failures as commenters.

Hi, I’m Mrs. Josh

By Rae January 18, 2011 Good to Know 22 Comments

My Feminine Mind, one of my favorite bloggers, tweeted this question: What title do you prefer? Miss/Mrs. Or Ms.? And why?

I responded that I prefer “Ms.” because if you’re using that formal level of address, then my marital status is irrelevant.

I asked what she preferred and she responded: “I use Ms. And I can’t stand Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Jaure. I am a person, not an appendage. I have my own name.”

And I re-tweeted it, which meant that everyone who follows me could see what My Feminine Mind had said with the implication that I liked it.

There was immediate objection from several men. The general response was typified by CatholicKelly who said: “‘and the two shall become one…’ – Mark 10:8 To say being married makes you an appendage is to misunderstand the sacrament.” He further suggested that going by “Ms.” rather than “Mrs.” is a denial of marriage, a sentiment in which some others quickly echoed.

I find this view perplexing for a few reasons. To begin with, it is most often the case that a person needing to use the most formal form of address simply would not know the marital status of the person being addressed. Thus, if one insists on “Mrs.” or “Miss” as opposed to “Ms.,” one is requiring people to pry into the marital status of a woman in a most awkward way in order to be correct. If marital status is so very important and public that it must be immediately known, then why is it that it should only be known for women? Is “Mr.” a universal denial of the importance of marriage on the part of men? Oh wait, don’t answer that one.

Mark 10:8 happens to follow Mark 10:6 & 7 which says “from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (and be joined to his wife).” Well how about that! If one were to take scripture as one’s inspiration, would it not seem that a man should leave his parents, and leave his name and titles and be joined with his wife? If anything, it is the man’s marital status which should be on display for all to see as evidence of the fact that he has left his parents and has joined his wife. Of course this is all taking the passage quite out of context and distorting its meaning (which is, incidentally, about the indissolubility of marriage).

The lovely thing about Christianity, is that it has been so fully assimilated by our culture that we are excellent at taking our most favorite values from our culture and pushing them back onto Christianity. There is, quite simply, nothing in the Bible that suggests that Christ would want a woman to assume her husband’s identity while her husband continues on as if nothing has changed. If anything, following the cultural tradition of making a woman’s marital status known in polite address but not the man’s, is anti-Christian as it stands in contrast to the biblical standard of two becoming one: a one who is a completely new unit, not merely the male one with the female added on!

Christian marriage is the antithesis of a man as a person and the woman as an appendage which he has added onto himself. And that is precisely why it is quite appropriate for each spouse to be treated the same way when it comes to public acknowledgment of marital status. The idea that a woman should be known by a title which denotes her marital status while her husband is not, is at best unhelpful, and at worst perpetuates a non-Christian understanding of marriage.

I happen to believe that my marriage is one of the most sacred and intimate aspects of my life. It is not to be publicly paraded around as the most trivial and surface information available about me. Strangers do not need to know about my marriage in order to politely call my attention.

I can respect the position of those who believe that marriage is primarily a public identification and status. But I cannot understand any good reason for making the information public for women, while hiding it for men. If “Ms.” is a problem for Christian reasons, then so is “Mr.” So maybe “Ms.” is one giant red herring to distract us all from the far more common pernicious “Mr.” the title which is actually undermining public recognition of the importance of marriage.

Even Family Planning

By Rae January 14, 2011 Good to Know 30 Comments

Prior to comments on this blog I never knew that some people believe it is important to have an even number of children. The idea seems to be that as long as there is an even number, the siblings will be “paired” with each other and no one will be left out.

As someone who grew up in a fairly large family, I find this idea intellectually and emotionally overwhelming. It is hard enough to arrange to have an even number of children, let alone to determine that they will arrive in pairs!

The preference for an even number of children does not make sense to me for many reasons:

Developmental issues: even aside from severe handycaps, children naturally develop differently. So, even if you have all of your children 18 months apart you will find that they don’t progress at perfectly matched increments. So your third born child who was supposed to be “paired” with the fourth born may actually out-pace your second born in verbal skills and have no interest in engaging in baby-talk with the youngest.

Sex: if you are intent on pairing your children, then wouldn’t it be important to either pair them with siblings of the same sex so that they can have more in common, or else to pair them with the other sex so that they can be different? I don’t know which way the pairing philosophy would work, but I don’t imagine that someone who cares about pairing would think that the sex of the children paired was inconsequential!

Personalities: children somehow manage to be their own little selves despite their parents’ best wishes. This means that their personalities might conflict, and they might not happen to feel like being best buddies with the sibling the parents believe they should. A first born may care far more for shepherding all the little ones than she does hanging out as an equal with her second born sibling. A third born may be a complete introvert who simply does not want to spend any more time with his brother than is absolutely necessary. A fifth born may love music and math while her sixth born sibling prefers dolls and drama.

Large families: large families tend to have families inside of families with multiple “first borns,” “babies” etc. And this isn’t something parents can control. It is not as if the first four will be the first family, the second four the second family, and so on. Furthermore, it isn’t clearly driven by spacing. Parents cannot simply choose to have six children, take a bit of a break, and then have four more children with the idea that the seventh child will be an “eldest.” He might just turn out to be a “baby” who is doted on by the first six children and never accepts the role of leader for the youngest four.

Change: even if everything does match up and one manages to say have two perfectly healthy sweetly outgoing girls and then two nerdy little boys who all get along perfectly with their respective “match,” things change. The eldest may go off and do her own thing while the second born and baby find that they want to start an online baby-entertainment business. And then, despite all of the parents perfect pairing, the third-born is still “left out.” Then, of course, things can change again just as quickly and it will be a different child who does not “fit in” with the rest.

And of course, it is impossible to overstate the very real difficulties of exact family planning. It is one thing to plan to have two children and then be sterilized, but for Christians who are open to life at least in a general sense, things are far from simple. A couple may determine to have four children, but then experience secondary subfertility which leaves them with three. Or a woman may give birth to four children and have a complete surprise 15 years later. Even those couples with no qualms about anything from IVF to sterilization may find themselves remarried and wanting to have another child with a new spouse. Life is, quite simply, never simple.

Reality and all of its challenges aside, I do not know whether it is desirable to have an even number of children. I have always thought that 3 and 5 were perfect numbers for their own reasons and the idea of being a part of a pair always seemed inferior to being part of a little community. But others, no doubt, have experience with perfect pairing which was the best part of their childhood.

What is your experience?

Caring about Hair

By Rae January 14, 2011 Life 11 Comments

How much do you care about hair? Do you care a lot about your own hair, as seems to be normal for women?

Do you care about your (potential) significant other’s hair as is stereotypically important for men?

I do not care much about hair, as evidenced by the picture above. My hair is a wavy mess, unless I spend half an hour straightening it. And even then it only stays straight until humidity reclaims its own.

But I have been surprised to find how much I care about Josh’s hair. We have many mutual friends and so I saw various pictures of Josh before we met. I found him quite unattractive with his revoltingly short hair.

Thankfully, Josh’s hair was the perfect length when we met, so I naturally fell tangled head over heels in love with him. All went well until a few months after we were engaged. Josh came to visit me with painfully short hair. It was, well, painful. But what can I say? Easy chastity has its price.

Somehow Josh caught onto the fact that I didn’t like his short hair and didn’t really mind when it was longish. He was perfectly happy to skip haircuts and soon his routine became only getting his hair cut before returning home to visit his family.

I would laugh at Josh’s mother and sisters as they grimaced at his drivers license picture with his collar length hair. Josh’s younger sister would mutter about him being a “woolly bear” and swear that she would never allow her husband to be anything other than perfectly clean-cut.

But then we went a while without seeing Josh’s family. His last haircut was right before Easter. Somewhere around August or September I decided that Josh really should consider getting his hair cut. He really hated the idea of scheduling an appointment, or going to a strange hairdresser, or perhaps was scared of the rumors of DC barbers selling chest hair toupées. In any case, Josh did not feel like going to get his hair cut. He told me several times that I was welcome to cut it if I liked, but I scorned such an insane idea. I have no idea how to cut hair.

Alas, desperate times call for desperate measures. By November Josh’s hair was a few inches longer than the picture above. And I figured that I couldn’t make it worse. So I watched some sketchy videos on cutting men’s hair. Somehow it turned out quite fine. We spent the next day hanging out with friends not above snarky remarks about hair and heard none. Most importantly I wondered why I hadn’t cut Josh’s hair months before.

After such success it was only natural for me to talk a suddenly reluctant Josh into trimming my hair right before Christmas. I could not handle my split ends any longer, and why should I waste money when Josh could just take a half-inch off? Five or six inches later I ended up equally happy with my haircut. Sure, it was much more of a cut than a trim, but long hair is a pain anyway.

Mothering, Beauty, and Possessions

By Rae January 10, 2011 Life, Simple 12 Comments

Guest Post by Claire. I am always thankful for Claire’s thoughts, and especially glad that she has brought up a subject which I can only dance around.

About a year ago I read an essay by an anthropologist about the preparations Western women make for their unborn children. I found it fascinating to back up for a second and consider the cultural practice of making or collecting blankets, cribs, booties from more of a critical distance. We mothers will go to great lengths in order to ensure that our children are adequately outfitted for life, even before they leave the womb. Well, more than adequately—we want their surroundings to be comfortable or even lavish; it’s just that we have different ideas of what that means.

Clarke writes: “Provisioning an unborn infant requires choices and expertise in an unfamiliar arena where the stakes could not be higher–for every object and every style has attached to it some notion of a “type” of mothering or an expression of a desired mother/infant relationship.” (From Chapter 3, “Maternity and Materiality: Becoming a Mother in Consumer Culture” by Alison Clarke)

Huh. I hadn’t thought about it like that before. If this were true, then we mothers are all doing this in one way or another, the only difference being how we are going about it.

I put down the book and sat for awhile, revisiting my own preparations for the arrival of my first baby, and my own “provisioning” for her before her birth, and then afterwards. I couldn’t help but remember how very important it was to me that my daughter own very little in the way of clothing or toys. Just the basics are enough, please, I told friends and family; we don’t want all that baby gear or clutter.

It was as if I wanted to reverse what I perceived as a harmful trend to smother the “purity” of a new child with too many things—objects which I considered to carry a kind of polluting force. Even though the reality was that I couldn’t afford anything else, I was proud that we lived in a small and humble space where the baby would share a bedroom with us; I was happy to know that we were ready and willing to “make do” with less stuff. Looking back on it, I can’t help but think that what I was really doing was trying to prove to myself (and anyone else who cared to notice) that I–her mother–would be enough for my baby.

But I made a mistake. Because these days, in the US, owning lots of stuff is not a luxury reserved for the wealthy. Even someone of modest means can acquire baby toys, exersaucer, swing and so on… The mother of a toddler is often only too willing to pass along her used items if only to clear a space through the living room not to mention all of the resale stores that are just brimming with cheap and barely-used stuff.

These days, in a lot of ways, it’s really up to us what we want to acquire and how much.

So what do we want to be able to provide for our children? Clean and cute clothing or toys? A nice indoor play area so that they are stimulated in the proper ways to foster proper development? A good house and a good education? One thing I have not heard anyone say—one thing I do not say—is that they want to raise deprived children. No one says that they want their family to be—or to remain—poor.

But what I have heard from faithful and devout Catholic women is that they want their children to grow in holiness, to learn to love unselfishly, and to experience beauty. To some, “experiencing beauty” might mean to get themselves and their children outside, to take walks and go on hikes and enjoy Nature. And then there is music and books and any number of other human creations of beauty. But beyond that, the search for beautiful things begins to trouble me somewhat. Let’s be honest, sometimes “bringing beauty into the home” is really just an excuse to spend on decorating or entertaining. Sometimes enjoying beautiful things means to eat elaborate or expensive meals.

Is that so bad, though? After all, we want our children to have good memories and anyway those guests need to be comfortable.

I’m Catholic, right? So sooner or later someone expects me to start talking about Mary. Let’s just jump right to it, then: when it comes to provisioning for our children (born or unborn), when it comes to wanting them to live fully and richly, to experience love and beauty—where does the poverty of the Holy Family come in? What do we make of these Christmas season meditations on the stable, the shepherds and the Magi and the night flight into Egypt that made Jesus and His Mother into homeless refugees overnight?

How are we to understand that Jesus was not given a comfortable place to sleep—even for a single night—and that instead of the riches of wealth He was instead given a pure and holy Mother? This, the only Mother that was truly enough for her Child.

It is almost the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord. Mary’s Son was born into our poverty and then baptized, taking on our sinfulness. This week I am asking myself: what are the Things of Beauty that I, a Christian mother, should invest in for my children’s sake? For my own?

Premenopause: 30 Is The New 50

By Rae January 4, 2011 Health 13 Comments

Not so very long ago I got an email¹ from a Twitter follower who mentioned, among many things, the fact he was surprised to learn that I was 25 because I sound like a middle-aged woman. He seemed to assume that I would share his view that it is important to have a “voice” and that I would find mine someday.

I do not share his view, as I think that having a “voice” is only a concern for writers, and I am not a writer. I am someone who blogs her thoughts whenever she happens to feel like it, (and isn’t terrified of the reactions of others in the moment, but we won’t talk about that part).

But I came quite close to laughing as I told Josh² about this comment because if I did care about having a voice, I would love to have the voice of a 50-year-old woman. For about ten years I have thought “when I am 50 my life will be settled, I will be wise and confident enough to be truly generous; all will be well when I am 50. I will drink tea, do yoga, go for long walks, bake cookies, listen attentively to troubled youth who will poor their hearts out to me, bake more cookies, drink more tea, and write letters. I must simply live as well as I can until I can finally be 50.” I feel calm and happy just typing about what it would be like to be 50 in my dream world.

And the thing is that I do not think that I sound half as middle-aged online as I might if people only knew the truth. Like the fact that I am fascinated with hormones at every stage of a woman’s life, that I learned about HRT right along with NFP, and that I spend my Friday nights reading books like What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause: Balance Your Hormones and Your Life from Thirty to Fifty.

The book itself is dreadful,³ but the concepts are quite useful. Premenopause is not a technical term like perimenopause (the few years right before menopause). Instead it was coined to describe the time between a woman’s peek youthful fertility and menopause. The theory is that all appears well and good in a woman’s 20s despite the fact that American women treat our bodies horribly. But, as we get just a bit older, we pay for our sins as our bodies slowly start to fall apart. Many women ignore the multitude of little symptoms and only “treat” the huge ones such as sub-fertility, and even then only treat the symptoms when they want a specific result such as a baby. This means that by the time we actually reach menopause, things go really haywire because we are entering a significant change in life with our bodies already unhealthy and hormones out of balance.

This is pretty common sense: if your body has been taking a beating for years, it isn’t going to make significant hormonal transition easy.

And most of the advice on living well through premenopause is equally basic:

honor your body
figure out what you really want and then make that happen rather than constantly pushing yourself to accomplish everything
get enough sleep
eat well (more pesticide free vegetables, less dairy and conventionally raised hormone/antibiotic laden meat)
take supplements as needed
take “minor” symptoms seriously, including: fatigue, insomnia, headaches, hot flashes, breast tenderness, low libido, depression etc. etc.

And included a bit more technical information on why you should not trust randomly timed hormone tests and should supplement with natural progesterone cream (if needed) tossed in for good measure.

My main take-away from the book was that it is always wise to work on taking care of my body rather than passively accepting physical problems until they get unbearable. Since I compare everything to debilitating menstrual cramps I tend to feel like nothing else is a “big deal” at all. But that means that I am constantly ignoring signs that all is not well with my body. And that is far from good.

Despite my dismissive attitude and the fact that I already knew a lot of the information (what? You mean not everyone spends their days reading about carcinogens and “xenohormone hell?!”) I found the book surprisingly empowering.

I was reminded of the fact that NFP doctors taking out my ovaries or uterus is just as cheap of a “solution” as “traditional” doctors handing me a prescription for the pill, and may be even worse for my long-term health. I have been incredibly silly to dismiss the hormonal fluctuations of a healthy menstrual cycle as annoying.

Sure, the cyclical nature of a healthy woman’s life may be inconvenient in our fast-paced, get-it-done, results-driven world. But maybe, just maybe, there is an underlying wealth available if I can only stop fighting my body long enough to do what I am best at rather than try to fit in with the pattern required by others.

And when it comes down to it, I would much rather work with my body’s natural (healthy!) rhythms and accept the fluctuations of my life than to force consistency. Because in this case consistency means a consistently inferior life.

I am re-energized in my desire to live well in every way and to honor my body enough to really take care of it. While I may technically still be five years away from premenopause, my body has already made it quite clear that now is the time to pay attention and seek health. And so I am.

Do you have any advice for living well through premenopause? Do you prefer another term or way of thinking about these years?

1. He said that he did not follow my blog, so I am in the rather odd position of writing this as if he will read it, while still recognizing that there is no reason for him to since he indicated that he would not. And yes, I am dizzy.

2. The email also raised serious questions about the way that I relate to Josh, and while I assumed that the emailer’s assumptions were incorrect, I understand that blindness always thinks that way. So I did my best to ask Josh for his thoughts on the issues without submitting my obvious bias.

3. It is glaringly obvious that it was written by a non-medical professional with notes from two different doctors. This is fine in terms of the format, but it means that there are some mistakes. For instance, did you know that your luteal phase is always the same length? That is almost-true and was not an issue in context, but seems an inappropriate half-truth to promote in a book intended to address women with health issues– those most likely to have varying luteal phases! Also, if you read the entire book rather than advice for your particular issue it is clear that the individual sections do not tell the whole story: for instance, the advice for using progesterone for endometriosis could contribute to miscarriage, but you only see that if you read the section on getting pregnant. More on that soon on my Catholic blog.

2011 Goals

By Rae January 2, 2011 Goals, The Feminine 10 Comments

After pondering for a few days I realized that year-long resoultions still feel too large. I am not nearly as desperate as I was at this time last year, but I am still keenly aware that I can control very little other than my response to what life throws my way. And it is difficult to resolve to do something when one feels no control over accomplishing it!

So I am breaking things down. My resolution for 2011 is to take significant time for my cyclical goals each month, and to figure out whatever it takes to make sure that I am actually achieving them 90% of the time. I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that my body has certain rhythms for a reason, and it is downright stupid to not work with them and utilize the benefits they offer, even when disguised as negative.

My theme/mantra/whathaveyou for 2011 will be “it is okay to be a failure” but I suspect that needs its own post as it might look just a wee bit negative to those who don’t understand.

I would love to know your 2011 goals. Please comment with them if you like, or if you have posted them elsewhere online leave the link so I can check them out!

And have a wonderful New Year!

The Case for New Year’s Resolutions

By Rae December 31, 2010 Goals 8 Comments

The case for New Year’s Resolutions is fairly straightforward: the change of the calendar year provides a natural opportunity to stop and reflect on the passage of time and to consider what one would like to accomplish next. The fact that many others are making similar resolutions, and that our culture encourages us to stop for a day of rest and partying should only increase a feeling of communal optimism and energy for goal-setting.

Except, of course, for all the jokes about February 1st, and how New Year’s Resolutions are always broken.

The challenge then, is not so much to make a case for New Year’s Resolutions themselves, but to counter the eternal pessimism which declares all attempts at change futile, and all determination ignorant.

And to the eternal nay-sayers, I simply respond “why not?”

Do you think that any of us can really convince ourselves that there are no areas in which we desperately want to improve?

Is it somehow better to sit around on December 31st and smugly contemplate that while I am fat, unhealthy, in debt, isolated, addicted to various substances, stressed out, unemployed, friendless, and have learned nothing in the past year, well at least it is okay because I never tried to improve?

There were many resolutions that I left unresolved a year ago, and I don’t feel the least bit better about my failures due to the fact that I never officially determined to improve.

So for now I have resolved to make New Year’s Resolutions, and excited to see how they will turn out.

Follow There Is No Wealth But Life