There Is No Wealth But Life

Breastfeeding Modestly

By Rae June 21, 2010 Health 19 Comments

I am not a mother, let alone a breastfeeding mother, but there are some things that one does not have to experience to understand. Like the importance of breastfeeding modestly. You know, making sure that people only see your breasts in the correct contexts.

So I was quite happy to see a post linked to by Mama Kalila on Kim Kardashian’s stance on breastfeeding women covering up/nursing in public.

If you’re okay with the amount of breast typically bared by the Kardashians you should be fine with this post. Check it out!

What do you think of breastfeeding modestly?

I am thankful 6/20/2010

By Rae June 20, 2010 Gratitude 6 Comments

For my father. As a child people often said that I was like my father. And I hated it. My father was very firm and controlling, the sort of person who can get things done. I had equally strong opinions about life and was quite willing to fight for them, so there was significant conflict.

My father worked harder than any other person I have ever known of, let alone met. He comes from a family of workaholics and struggled with that, but he also saw raising children as his job. So his workaholic tendencies simply led him to work constantly both providing for his family materially and taking care of his children.

My mother tells stories of how from the very beginning my father would take the 18 month-old with him in the truck to work while she stayed at home with the new baby. That was a pattern which continued through my entire childhood.

Thank you dad for teaching me how to make bread and shop for groceries (the price per pound is obviously the most important thing!).

Thank you for reading aloud to us multiple times a day every day. And for editing the Little House books when they scared me!

Thank you for trying to help me learn how to spell (though I still have no idea why either you or mom thought that was a good idea considering *your* spelling abilities! But thank you for your time, and for making us learn how to type. Spell check is a wonderful thing!).

Thank you for taking me to so many state and national parks. I would still far rather go to a national park than an amusement park, and I think that is a good thing.

Thank you for teaching me that I could do just about anything modestly in a skirt (not that I ever want to, but should I need to! ;-)).

Thank you for trying to take time with each of your children as individuals, even if I was less than enthusiastic about going out for breakfast with you!

Thank you for teaching me how to change a car tire… over the phone!

Thank you for giving me the confidence that I could work in whatever area I wanted to, even if you imagined that this would only ever happen as me serving my husband.

Thank you for teaching me the Latin names of various plants (though to be honest, the only one I can remember off the top of my head is Tsuga canadensis).

Thank you for trying so very hard to be a better father than your own father. If only each generation could continue to try as hard!

Terms: Natural Family Planning and Fertility Awareness

By Rae June 18, 2010 The Feminine 31 Comments

In the most common usage that I have seen, natural family planning (NFP) is most commonly understood in the US to mean the system of family planning approved by the Catholic Church. It is often conflated with the rhythm method which is permissible for Catholics, but no longer commonly taught.

Fertility awareness (FA) is taken to mean an empowering knowledge of women’s fertility embraced by everyone from hard core feminists who dedicate their lives to empowering women to average women who just want an easy way to get pregnant as soon as possible.

Additionally fertility awareness is sometimes seen as the same as the fertility awareness method which is a family planning method that allows for the use of barrier methods of contraception during the fertile phase. Consequently many Catholics are suspicious of fertility awareness because they associate it with the fertility awareness method, and thus contraception.

I believe that we should look at the actual words which make up these terms and start using them in the way that makes the most sense.

Fertility awareness should mean exactly what it sounds like. Fertility awareness is awareness of one’s fertility. It does not need to be more complicated than that. Everyone should practice fertility awareness. You do not need to chart every sign of fertility all the time, but every woman should know what is going on with her body, and every husband should have a clue about understanding the fertility cycle of his wife. Fertility awareness can be used for family planning (either with or without the use of barrier methods of contraception) but it is not, in itself, a form of birth control. Fertility awareness can be useful for all women, regardless of whether they are sexually active.

Natural family planning should also be used to mean what the words themselves mean. Natural family planning is a method of family planning. As far as I am concerned, it is the best form of family planning as it can aid in both sides of family planning: avoiding and achieving pregnancy. Because natural family planning is a method of family planning, it is, by definition, a form of birth control. By timing sexual intercourse to avoid the fertile period of a woman’s cycle, a couple avoids pregnancy. And that is what it means to practice birth control.

Not everyone needs natural family planning, but every woman should know her body and be aware of her fertility cycle.

How do you think these terms should be used? Do you see anything wrong with my definitions?

Becoming Aware of Fertility Awareness

By Rae June 17, 2010 The Feminine 12 Comments

Shortly after I turned 19 I decided to spend a Saturday morning at a Catholic bioethics conference. It was free, and the topics looked interesting, so I signed up, even though I could not convince any friends to go along.

I arrived late and hurried in to catch the second half of Christopher Klofft’s talk on the Catholic Church’s teaching on contraception and natural family planning. In less than half an hour I was completely sold. I cannot remember exactly what Klofft said, but it worked. I went from only knowing that NFP existed and was not that great to being entirely convinced that the ideal sexual relationship would not involve contraception. I was still convinced that it would not be good for me to have 10+ children, but figured that I would find out all that I could about NFP. And if there was no good option then I simply would not get married. But I wanted what Klofft had.

I went back to my dorm room and read Humanae Vitae (the 1960s document that reiterated the fact that the Catholic Church was not about to change it’s anti-contraception stance) for the first time. Then I read about Why Humanae Vitae Was Right and a few other such books that I can no longer remember. I also read the only book in my school’s library about fertility awareness, and interlibrary loaned everything I could find on the topic. I was not impressed with the Catholic materials that I read on the actual practice of NFP, but the combination of Catholic theology and secular fertility awareness information was simply wonderful.

Soon I was not only convinced, I was confident.

Adulthood

By Rae June 15, 2010 Life 14 Comments

Apparently I am not yet an adult. This morning found me thinking a very 12-year-oldish¹ “adults are so incompetent.” I immediately realized that I should not think of “adults” as some group distinct from my own identity. But apparently in my mind adults are parents. And I am not a parent.

I have a vague memory of some sort of sociological diagram of the transition to adulthood and what makes one an adult in the American experience. It was something like:

Finish school (college)
Support oneself financially
Get married
Buy a house
Have children

People can obviously change the order of these, and journalists like to write human interest stories about how graduating from college does not make one an adult or how single women are now buying houses long before getting married or having children.

For me it has gone something like:

Support myself financially
Finish college (but not my education?) & get married at about the same time
Stop #1
Try with no success to work toward everything (other than getting married) at once with limited success

I was raised to think that as a woman all I needed to do was to get married, perhaps build a house with my husband, and have children. But I knew many women who had followed this path and were so very far from being content adults at 40, so there was never a question in my mind that I wanted to be an adult in every way not just the minimum required for women.

I still feel this way, but it does not trouble me that I have yet to accomplish all of my goals. I have time, and I would much rather live well and live fully than to try to quickly settle everything.

I do wonder though, why is it that not having made every transition/mile marker makes me think of myself as not an adult? Would I think of myself as an adult if I had a house full of children, or is this simply something that will come for me in time?

What do you see as the important transitions to adulthood? Is there anything that you still want to accomplish before you would see yourself as entirely an adult?

1. I was probably more competent at a 12-year-old than I am now. I certainly do a lot less work these days!

I am thankful 6/13/2010

By Rae June 13, 2010 Gratitude 4 Comments

For my husband and the way that he accommodates my idiosyncrasies. Last night he got out of bed and covered part of his laptop with a pillow because the little blue light was too much for me. I prefer to sleep in complete darkness.

For ALDI. Nothing can compare to my beloved Market Basket, but it is oh-so-very nice to have a source for cheap groceries again! All I need is an ALDIs and a Whole Foods and I am set. And I’ve been to both in the past week. It is oh, so very much better and cheaper than having only a Wal-Mart.

For my sister. She is always so willing to help others, including me. I want to be more like her.

For my parents’ and parents-in-law’s marriages. They have 70 years of marriage combined, and while I never wanted to have a marriage like my parents I am beginning to appreciate how hard they must have worked to keep their marriage together, and how much worse things could have been. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. And if you ever read this, please don’t let me know.

For great hotel deals. The most stressful part of living out of a hotel for me is the idea of wasting money. So I am quite happy that we got a deal which is both nice enough for Josh and cheap enough for me.

Let’s Talk Natural Family Planning/Fertility Awareness

By Rae June 12, 2010 The Feminine 16 Comments

I am thinking about doing a series of posts on Natural Family Planning/Fertility Awareness. There are plenty of good bloggers out there who post about NFP regularly, so I never felt the need to do so myself. But I also realize that as something of an outsider, my perspective is different than that of a trained instructor.

Also, I really wish that I had posted more about the subject 5 years ago when I was immersed in it. There is so much that I have already forgotten, and 5 years from now I want to be able to look back on posts to remind myself both of interesting facts, and what my thoughts were at this point in my life. I certainly hope that my view will continue to develop and change, but I want to be able to remember what I thought at this point.

Fertility Awareness vs. Natural Family Planning: Why I prefer FA to NFP but don’t think that the Fertility Awareness Method(FAM) makes much sense.
How I learned to appreciate the value of fertility awareness
Why I took an NFP class with Josh, even though I already had a year’s worth of charts and was quite confident in my knowledge
Language Matters: Fluid vs. Mucus etc.
Feminism and Fertility Awareness
Why the Catholic NFP community is missing out by ignoring that other Jesuit school (Creighton and Marquette are great, but there is no way to ignore Georgetown without being, well, ignorant)
Spreading NFP/FA: What Next?
The best NFP book you’ve never read
A defense of the rhythm method
Maybe something from Josh, but considering the fact that he still “owes” me a few other posts, this could take years.

I will probably also post a bit on the Catholic side about conscience as well as what I currently see as universal ideals for sex and family planning.

Anyway, I did have a point with this post. I want your perspective! Please tell me if there is anything that you are interested in knowing about my thoughts on NFP/FA. I am happy to post about any aspect, but have no idea what people are interested in. I tend to assume that everyone knows lots about fertility awareness because if I know it then everyone else must, right? Also, I am going to try to keep the posts here about NFP to minimal religious content, so don’t worry about Catholicism when sharing your ideas (unless, of course you’re Catholic and that’s what you’re interested in!).

Also, I’d love to share other’s perspectives. I am thinking about a post with links to other’s stories (feel free to comment with your links!) and would be happy to include guest posts if you’ve got something to share that you haven’t already posted.

NFP and Me Part I: I owe my life to the Couple to Couple League

By Rae June 12, 2010 The Feminine 8 Comments

I may owe my life to the Couple to Couple League. If not my own life, then at least the lives of a few of my siblings, and I would gladly trade my life for theirs.

I grew up knowing that my parents desired a large family. I remember my father being was asked about family size and answering with a straight face that he “hoped to have a large family someday.” Considering my place in the birth order, he would have had at least 9 children by the time I could remember such conversations.

But I also knew that my parents had not planned most of the pregnancies, and that at least a few of us were conceived at times when they were avoiding conception.

As a teenager I was quite frustrated with my mother because I thought that there was no option for family planning (or lack thereof) that met her standards. She thought it unwise for couples to simply have as many children as possible/natural for a very fertile woman. She also thought that hormonal birth control was evil, that condoms were highly questionable in many ways, and that NFP did not work especially well.

A few years later my mother came with me to hear Toni Weschler speak. As part of her presentation Weschler mentioned that in the case of highly fertile cervical fluid sperm can survive for 6-7 days. Afterwards my mother told me that this made all the difference. In the old Couple to Couple League materials they had underestimated sperm survival. This may have been fine for less fertile women, but it did not work for my mother. Years after giving birth to her last child my mother was finally convinced that NFP could work, provided that couples were given correct information.

Sperm carrying an X chromosome not only produce females, they are also tougher than Y chromosome sperm. They are better able to survive smoking, and extreme conditions. They are also able to live longer, given a highly fertile environment. And there are twice as many girls as boys in my family, including the one sibling whom I know for certain was a huge surprise.

I am not certain whether the Couple to Couple League has revised their information on sperm life for their new materials. It seems quite likely given the fact that there have been several revisions, both by the Kippleys and current directors of the organization. But I also know that some NFP groups believe that it is best to give the general life of a sperm in fertile cervical fluid (4-5 days) rather than the possible but unusual (6-7 days) because they want as many happy users as possible, and more couples are likely to struggle with additional abstinence than are likely to conceive from underestimating sperm life.

A few days ago I saw CCL’s workbook in a bookstore and was thrilled with what I saw in a quick flip-through. It helped solidify for me the fact that things have changed since the big book that I viewed (and hated) as the standard for Catholic NFP. As far as I can tell the Couple to Couple League has not yet changed enough for me to want to be involved directly. But I am quite happy that they are able to be what so many people need at this point, and I am optimistic that they will continue to change to better serve even more Catholics who really need to know about natural family planning.

Frittata

By Rae June 11, 2010 Food 2 Comments

Picture stolen from my brother. Please don't tell him.

A few weeks ago Kristy tweeted about making a frittata. I confessed the horrible truth that I had never made a frittata, and Kristy kindly emailed me her recipe.

Tomato, Asparagus, & Cheese Frittata
Adapted from Giada de Laurentiis

6 eggs
2 tbsp heavy cream (I’m sure 2 tbsp of whatever milk you have in the fridge would work)
1/2 tsp salt (you can use less if you’d prefer but it’s good to add at least a pinch)
1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp butter (you could probably use 2 tbsp olive oil if you didn’t want to use butter)
12 stalks asparagus, trimmed and cut into 1/4 – 1/2 inch pieces (bite-sized, really)
1 tomato, seeded & diced (I didn’t have any fresh on hand, so I used half a can of diced tomatoes, drained, and it worked like a charm)
cheese, grated or diced (The recipe said fontina, and it’s great with fontina, but all I had was colby jack. Any kind of nicely melty cheese will do, but I’d probably say not mozzarella. Or you can omit it. But I love cheese and tend to go a little overboard with how much I use. And I find it melts better grated than diced.)

Preheat the broiler.

Whisk together eggs, cream (or milk), salt, & pepper. Set aside. (I had some fresh rosemary on hand, which I added to the mix. This would be the step to add any fresh herbs if the fancy struck you. It definitely makes it more delicious.)

Heat oil & butter in an oven-proof skillet (8″ to 10″ size) over medium heat. Saute asparagus for a couple minutes, until bright green & cooked but still crisp. Raise heat to medium-high, add tomato, and saute for another couple minutes. You can add a pinch of salt to the veggies if you think it’s necessary. (I like to add red pepper flakes.) Pour the egg mixture over the vegetables and just let it cook until the egg starts to set. It will take a few minutes or so – you want it mostly cooked through but still runny/raw in the middle. The middle will cook in the oven. Sprinkle the cheese on top to cover, and pop the pan in the oven. (But not on the highest rack or you’ll accidentally char the thing in places. Oops.) Leave it to broil for 3 minutes, then check on it. It might take 5 minutes to finish cooking, but I think it’s better to be cautious. =) Once it’s done (completely set and not visibly raw & jiggly in the middle), let it cool for a couple minutes, then slide it out of the pan & serve. Or leave it in the pan if you’re lazy like I am.

You could probably replace the asparagus & tomatoes for pretty much any other veggie, as long as it isn’t one that is too juicy. I could see mushrooms or broccoli or cauliflower going into this easily. Probably because they tend to have a nice bit of texture & bite to them to contrast with the soft eggs.

The first time I tried Kristy’s recipe I used mushrooms and broccoli instead of asparagus and was quite pleased with the results. The next time I added in chives–including the blossoms—and it turned out equally well. If you look closely at the picture above you can see flecks of Parmesan cheese. Not exactly melty, but still quite tasty.

Have you tried a recipe recently that made you wonder why you did not start cooking it years ago? If so, please share!

Road Trips, Baby names, and Submission

By Rae June 9, 2010 Relationships 21 Comments

Last month Josh and I spent a lot of time in the car. I kept my sanity and did not keep track of the time or miles, but it was enough to visit these states (most at least twice).

Sometimes we slept, sometimes we listened to techie podcasts, sometimes Josh read to me, and sometimes we played “choose the baby’s name.” You’re not familiar with the game? It is simple. Any place name seen is taken into consideration for naming a child.

Our upstate New York babies were named Hudson Leroy and Verona Schenectady. I tried and tried to convince Josh that it would be better if little Verona were given Albany for a middle name instead, but he was adamant. So adamant in fact that there was nothing for me to do but submit… once I remembered that there was no actual child who would have to carry this name.

The incident reminded me of reading a blog post by a woman whose husband had wanted to name their second daughter Marian after they already had a daughter named Marianne. The woman liked both names but was concerned about the daily difficulties of calling their daughters in for lunch etc. Yet as far as she was concerned, she could only tell her husband her objection and then accept the fact that he was the one in charge of their family.

I cannot help but think that “submission” is often an excuse for laziness and poor communication. Instead of working through issues to find the best answer, couples rely on an idea of running families like corporations and relationships are replaced with religious hierarchy. It is may be easier than actually working through disagreements, but it is certainly not what I want for my life! Unless, of course, it is an issue of a non-existent baby being named in road trip game. In that case, I’m all for laziness submission.

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