There Is No Wealth But Life

Guest Post by Elizabeth. Elizabeth’s blog is one of the most passionate that I read, and I could not have been happier when she agreed to share her story about how she became passionate about becoming a stay at home mother.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mother (SAHM) when I was growing up. I only knew two girls who had SAHMs, and they were spoiled. My mother worked, and my brothers and I turned out just fine. I had every intention to be a working supermom who raised several independent and unspoiled children.

I was completely oblivious to the signs pointing me towards the home instead of the office. As much as I idolized my mother, I ignored the fact that she had stayed home until I was six, and only went back to work because, according to my dad, she was spending too much money at home. I blocked out how I hated day care and stayed home alone during the summers as soon as my parents would let me. Once I grew old enough to watch children myself, I loved working with kids in daycares and camps all summer long – but it didn’t register that maybe this was what I was being called to. I was truly ignorant to these signs.

And anyway, I was too smart to be a SAHM. I know it sounds horribly cocky, but I knew that I was intelligent and driven enough to have whatever career I wanted. Not in a scary feminazi powersuit way, but in a normal high-achieving good student way.

So you can imagine my horror when, in my second year of grad school, my boyfriend of six months said that he thought mothers should stay at home with their children. I was completely appalled. He couldn’t be serious. He was an intelligent modern man, not some caveman stuck in the dark ages. He said something about having other people raise their children, and I fired back in defense of day cares – I had worked at one, and the women there loved children! My future husband didn’t push it too hard. He explained how his mother didn’t work. His aunts didn’t either. I was scandalized, and knew then and there that I would have to be the first working mother in his family. I would show them that it could be done, and done well.

And yet, as our relationship deepened, I started reevaluating. I had always taken for granted that I would work. That was the basic premise: find a job that you love, because you will (have to) have a job. Here was a man who wanted to provide for me so I didn’t have to work if I didn’t want to. He would never outright forbid me from working, and even encouraged it once our children were older. But he was very serious about putting our children first when they were young.

To be honest, I didn’t think much about the children. I was sure they’d be fine no matter what my work situation. I focused on myself. If I didn’t have to work, what would I do with all that time? Wouldn’t I be bored? But then I started to realize how many hobbies I had put off over the years. I loved reading, writing, sewing, cooking – all those sweet domestic pursuits. I loved working out – maybe I would finally have time to train for an Ironman! I could learn to play the fiddle! I could learn another language! (Any real SAHMs are probably laughing right now at my pie-in-the-sky dreams and saying “good luck finding time for all that!” But remember, I was still focusing on number one – not on the time any little ones would take.) My selfish side told me I was getting a free ride, so stop complaining and enjoy it. But I was still hesitant. When people asked me what I did, what would I say? Mumble in shame that I didn’t do anything? I shuddered at the thought. And wouldn’t this be a complete waste of my education?

Luckily I had plenty of time to work through this, seeing as getting a PhD takes a good five years, and we weren’t even engaged yet. I would go back and forth, agonizing over “giving up” a career or not. To my shock, I was being more and more drawn to the idea of staying at home. Once I finally realized what a privilege it is to stay home and raise our children, I fully embraced the idea. This is what is best for both my children and me – for our entire family.

Now that we’re expecting our first child, I’m so glad I’ve decided to stay at home with him or her. When people ask what I’m going to do when I finish my degree, I enthusiastically tell them I’m going to be a mom! I confess that this wasn’t what I’d planned years ago, but now I’m really excited about the opportunity to stay at home and raise our children. Sure, there will be times when I want to scream and pull my hair out, but I know that the good will outweigh the bad. This is what my life has been preparing me for. I laugh when I look back and see how all the signs were pointing me towards being with my children day in and day out, and yet how oblivious I was to them. I loved helping to raise other people’s children – I can’t even imagine how much I’m going to love raising my own!

You can find more of Elizabeth’s writing at ThatMarriedCouple.

Guest Post by Maggie. I “met” Maggie through the Ladies Who Blog Book Club. When Maggie mentioned her experience being harshly judged for her desire to be a SAHM and homeschool her children I knew that I wanted to hear more of her story. I am thrilled that she graciously agreed to share it here!

To me, being a stay-at-home mom someday means largely just that: staying at home.  It means creating an environment in which my children thrive, love one another, learn respect for me and my husband, learn to love learning, learn to have quiet alone time, learn to love to explore.  In fact, being a stay-at-home mom means that I want to stay at home with my children and limit their outside activities to a certain extent.  That doesn’t mean that I won’t allow them to take music lessons, do a school play, or play on the baseball team–it just means that I want them to grow up with a healthy sense of what is truly important in the world, and that is family, plain and simple.

I grew up in a heavily Mormon-populated area, and my extended family lives on a large farm started by my grandparents.  What have these two seemingly unrelated experiences taught me?  Mormons–and I in no way pretend to be expressing this to the exact letter of the philosophy–believe that their earthly family, having been “sealed” together in the temple, will one day be together again in heaven as a group.  They will return to Him and be eternally bound together as a family.  Now, I am not Mormon, but this philosophy had an impact on me, and I retain the basic principle today.  Emphasis on the family in this earthly life serves to remind us of the heavenly family we will one day join.

The family as a central focus of social unity is also important to me.  My grandparents had the means to provide their children, their children’s friends, and the surrounding community (including the nuns!) with an outdoor swimming pool  (spring-fed and freezing cold), tennis court (if you hit the ball out, it went into the cow pasture and if you didn’t duck under the electric fence and go get it, you were in big trouble), ski tow on a nearby pasture hill, indoor squash/basketball court, wood shop, various outbuildings, vehicles, and much more.  Lunch was precisely at noon, dinner at six, and both were signaled by way of a locomotive bell outside the front porch heard throughout the valley (grandchildren used to clamor to be chosen to ring the bell, which required all your weight to make it ring).  A hallmark of summer vacations not being allowed to sleep past 6:30 a.m. because there was farm work to be done and the uncles needed your help.  It wasn’t about the material trappings or the farming itself–it was (and still is) a warm and loving space that encouraged play, worship, reliability, and hard work, all coupled with a group spirit.  They built their family around a centralized location and encouraged unity in the process.  The emphasis, again, was on the family and the ability to grow as an individual while prioritizing the family unit.

You would almost certainly laugh if you saw my collection of internet links relating to baby products, baby advice, children’s toys (wooden, of course!), parenting books, baby food recipes, and ever-growing stash of yarn that I just have to knit for my future children.  I have a lot of ideas and philosophies that will probably return to haunt me later, but putting thought into these has set me apart from most, if not all of my peers.  It is influenced by having been the big sister to four children, with responsibilities around the home and to those siblings; by being a young aunt; by having wonderful relationships with my older sister and cousins; and by babysitting well into my mid-twenties. All of my thoughts and research have led me to the belief that for my own and my family’s well-being, and for the life I so badly want to create, I need to stay at home.  I believe in creating a harmonious, organized, routine for my children.

What other cultures can a family environment cultivate?  A culture of nurturing.  A culture of security.  A culture of sharing.  A culture of listening, and putting others’ cares above your own. A culture of accepting differences and annoyances, and loving that person regardless.  A non-judgmental culture, where even if you make mistakes or embarrass yourself, your nearest and dearest will still be right behind you, seeing the good within you.

A home environment is also exactly the right one to encourage a culture of learning.  I spent six years as a home schooler (along with my siblings), and it was one of the most formative experiences of my life.  Learning at home in such a positive environment made me treasure the school experience and truly love learning.  Even when I returned to a public high school filled with grumpy hormonal teens who just didn’t want to be there, I was ready and excited to attend class every day.  I want to foster that same love of learning in my children to help them see that not just the classroom but the entire universe is a space in which to learn.  While I want to have a rigorous curriculum, I also want to be able to allow my children to drive their own learning.  If they are really into cooking, Little House on the Prairie, gardening, science experiments, or the Civil War one month, I want them to take as much time to delve into that as possible.  I know that it will encourage them to love learning and get the most out of it.

I do strongly want to note that I don’t judge any woman who would rather or needs to work.  Heaven knows I’m not married yet and could very well end up in that position myself.  I respect all mothers who choose to be responsible caretakers for themselves and their offspring, whatever that choice may be.  But just as some women know that their sanity or calling or what-have-you lies in working outside the home, I have known literally all my life that mine lies within it.  The care and nurturing of others has always thrilled every part of my being.  Moreover, I believe in not having children unless you can put them first and foremost.  To me, that means one parent being at home with them.  And while this certainly represents many things to many people, I simply mean that I want my kids to be at home, please.  Home with me and the rest of their family, for in the hustle-bustle of our chaotic world, too often we confuse what is important with what is immediate.