There Is No Wealth But Life

Haiti and Helplessness

By Rae January 14, 2010 Failure 7 Comments

I found out about the earthquake in Haiti the morning after it happened. I saw something online about praying or giving to Haiti the night before, but that is not unusual for me, so I did not think about it. Then my mother called wanting to know whether I had information on a friend who was there. I checked Facebook and informed my mother that the friend was apparently fine as people were posting “I am so glad that you’re okay!”s. I did not ask my mother about any of the other people we know in Haiti, because if she had had information she would have given it to me.

After talking with my mother I went back to my job-hunting and Haiti-ignoring. But soon it was impossible to ignore. It seemed that everyone was overcome with horror and trying to do something to help. I could not help but wonder why. I do not have a television and my brain cannot process the difference between the “normal” level of suffering and unnecessary death in Haiti and that which is happening now. I tried to figure out why I was blocking the information. Why was I not caring?

The answer was obvious: I cannot handle it. I have a special Haiti-shaped blinders to keep information away from from me (I also have African filters, a South Asian firewall, etc.). There is nothing that I can do, and so I try to avoid thinking about it.

I finally broke down this morning and rambled on and on to Josh about how there are always children dying in Haiti because they do not have access to basic medical care and how my friend could give her life to take care of them, but I cannot even get a job to give money, let alone get through school to help personally. There is nothing that I can do. It is immensely frustrating because I know that I could help… except that I cannot. In the past I could use things like this as motivation to work harder, but there is nothing to do that I am not already doing.

My only comfort is that others are immersed in images of the tragedy and are giving. And a year from now I will still care about the daily reality of Haitians and maybe, just maybe, I will be closer to being able to do something.

But I cannot really convince myself that it is okay, and so I try to distract myself from the reality of my inability to help. I do not wait and hope, I put my head in the sand and hope.

I am thankful 1/10/2010

By Rae January 10, 2010 Gratitude 1 Comment

For my husband’s proclivity for cheer. I thanked him for being strong and remaining active and happy despite circumstances that I found debilitating. His response? “It is difficult to be depressed for more than a day or two. ” Oh thank you God for the great help of someone who thinks that depression requires too much work. If only he knew. No, may he never know. Thank you.

For an interviewer who says too much. I do not know whether she is just new to her job, or wanted to help me, but she gave me details about how the company works, including their most successful competition from whom they are trying to take clients. Now I know where to send my resume next. She also gave valuable information about my competition for such positions. The fact that this company apparently has little work and attracts poor quality candidates did not discourage me, it provided valuable information for the next step in my job hunt.

For Adoration within walking distance. I previously complained that local Adoration happens only once a week. But it is at least for an entire day and I can walk there multiple times.

For candles. My sister-in-law gave me candles for Christmas, and they are simply delightful in a dark and cold apartment.

Why We Love Dogs, Eat Pigs, and Wear Cows

By Rae January 9, 2010 Food 5 Comments

Do you find this offensive? I will admit that I found the first part rather amusing, but I realize that many people find anti-meat propaganda offensive.

I am glad that someone has finally coined a term to describe the disconnect between thought and reality when it comes to the way that most Americans view animals. Regardless of your final conclusion on the question of how to treat animals, it is at least worth thinking about why we do what we do.

I like to imagine that I am consistent in my view of animals. I do not eat meat as a general practice, but if I were at your house for dinner I would eat whatever you served: including dog meat. I value gratitude for human hospitality more highly than I do love of dogs. And I value the environment and kindness toward animals more highly than I do consumption of meat.

How do you sort out your values when it comes to eating animals?

Our Lady of La Leche Shrine

By Rae January 6, 2010 The Feminine 5 Comments

In October Josh and I visited the shrine of Our Lady of La Leche in St. Augustine, Florida. The grounds are beautiful and astoundingly peaceful for what is treated by many as a tourist destination.

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Inside the chapel we prayed silently. I prayed for myself a little, but mostly I prayed for others whom I wished could visit for themselves.

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Lovely Lady of La Leche, most loving mother of the Child Jesus, and my mother, listen to my humble prayer. Your motherly heart knows my every wish, my every need. To you only, His spotless Virgin Mother, has your Divine Son given to understand the sentiments which fill my soul. Yours was the sacred privilege of being the Mother of the Savior.

Intercede with him now, my loving Mother, that, in accordance with His will, I may become the mother of other children of our heavenly Father. This I ask, O Lady of La Leche, in the Name of your Divine Son, My Lord and Redeemer. Amen.
Source

O Lord Jesus Christ, through the intercession of Your tender Mother, Our Lady of La Leche, who bore You close to her heart during those long months before Your birth, I place my baby and myself entirely in Your Hands. Free me, I beseech You, from useless and consuming worry. Accept the sacrifice of my aches and pains, which I unite to Your sufferings on the Cross. Above all, most merciful and loving Jesus, protect this child You have given to me from all harm, bestowing the health and vigor every baby needs. Implant in my heart and on my lips the words and prayers of Your Mother and mine, our Lovely Lady of La Leche. All this I ask that my child and I may live to praise forever Your Holy Name.
Source

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The many sculptures on the grounds did an excellent job of capturing the beauty of Mary worshiping Jesus as her God, nursing him as her baby, and watching him suffer as her savior.

It would be difficult to leave the place with a carefree view of motherhood.

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But even in a place perfect to contain the sorrow of every woman longing to be a mother, there was the joyful reminder of the child born to Our Lady of La Leche: the child who grew up to draw children to himself. He remains the one who draws each of us to himself and offers his mother as the perfect mother for all women, whether longing for motherhood, suffering through motherhood, or entirely oblivious to the wonder that is motherhood.

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ACT OF PRAISE TO THE BLESSED MOTHER

It is truly fitting, Mary, that we should honor you.

For God chose to honor you by making you His mother.

The prophets of old spoke of you with their fairest praises, the glory of Israel and of all womankind.

The angel bowed in reverence as he addressed you who was chosen to be God’s Mother.

And all generations have called you blessed.

So joyfully, Mary, we praise you;

We praise you in your purity, far more radiant than that of the brightest seraphim and cherubim.

We praise you in your maternity, in which you were privileged to nourish your God and creator at your breast.

We praise you in your virginity, which you kept so preciously together with your holy maternity.

We praise you in the honor which through you has been given to holy motherhood throughout the ages.

We praise you in the courage your pure and holy example has given to Christian mothers in a sinful world.

We praise you, too, in your motherhood, which by God’s decree has made you our mother and us your children.

Yes, always and at all times and in all places will we praise and honor and bless you, as it is proper to do, holy Mother of God, ever-blessed virgin, mother of fair love!

Amen.
Source

2010 Gratitude

By Rae January 3, 2010 Gratitude 5 Comments

I had plans for reviewing 2009 and setting goals for 2010. But my greatest lesson of 2009 was learning to accept my lack of control over life events, so I have little motivation for establishing formal goals for this year.

New Years day found me camping with part of my family in the Florida Panhandle. I awoke early and was too cold to fall back asleep. As I stood alone watching the sun rise I felt profoundly grateful to be able to enjoy all the moderate discomforts of camping with the knowledge that I could soon return to a heated apartment with hot showers and my choice of food.

And suddenly I was thankful. I was thankful for an abundance of clean water. I was thankful for hot peppermint tea. I was thankful for sufficient food. I was thankful for warm blankets. I was thankful for falling asleep laughing with my sisters. I was thankful for clean air. I was thankful for general physical safety.

And I knew that I wanted to be grateful this year. Instead of setting goals I am making a plan. Each week I will write down the things which I am most aware of as the blessings of the week and set it to post on Sunday. There is little that I can control, but there is an enormous amount for which to be grateful.

Merry Christmas!

By Rae December 25, 2009 Holy Days 2 Comments

Today I am filled with the joy of Christmas, and most thankful that Christmas will last for 11 more days. I will have enough time to rest in Church and really enjoy the season of celebration. Today held very little of what I associate with Christmas, but that is alright.

I do not need to participate in the astoundingly beautiful Midnight Mass with my siblings while my parents sleep. I do not need to hear my niece & nephews recite the Christmas story. I do not need the smell of spices, the glow of fire, or even traditional Christmas hymns. Because I am human I do need these things in some sense, but I do not need them today. There is yet time for Christmas beauty, and there is quite enough beauty in even the starkest of liturgy celebrated by a man who says that he would not go to Church if he were not a priest.

There are still 11 more days to sneak away from the clamor of daily life and find an open Church or monastery in which to ponder the great Joy which I have been given. The pictures below are from a day filled with some of my best Christmas memories, and they are from December 30, 2007.

Dark Christmas

carmel-looking-out

carmeljesus

Merry Christmas! I hope that your Christmas season is off to a wonderful start, and that you are able to enjoy the blessing of the entire season!

Inexpensive Healthful Nourishment / Cheap Healthy Food

By Rae December 19, 2009 Food 7 Comments

Can you recommend any nutrient-rich, cheap foods?

Since moving to Mississippi I want to cry whenever I go food shopping. The amount we spend on food has increased since moving to a cheaper area, and I am not pleased. I know it’s important to eat well, but when money is tight it just feels wrong to spend a lot on food.

In order to save money I have re-examined what we are eating and the result so far is more healthful (if less fun) food. Here are three foods that we eat almost every day:

Lentils

Lentils
Lentils are one of the staples of my diet. When we started dating, Josh had to learn to like them. We not only eats lentils in delicious curries, salads, and soups; most days Josh will have sprouted lentils for snacks. I still prefer my lentils cooked, but why kill enzymes if you do not have to?

A half-cup, 80 calorie, serving of lentils provides 10 grams of protein & 11 grams of fiber, along with a healthy dose of B vitamins, iron, and other vitamins and minerals that I do not care about since I get so much.

And the real reason that lentils have been at the core of my diet since I moved out of my parents’ house? Lentils typically cost around a dollar a pound. Josh preferred ramen, but I think that lentils are the ultimate cheap college food.

Millet Millet
Millet is the the new love of my food life. Prior to October I had only tasted millet as the barely cooked, crunchy seed that made me wonder who thought to sift it out of birdseed & eat it!

Then one day I dumped a few cups of millet in with lentils and let it simmer for hours. The result was amazing. With a lot of celery and onions and herbs I found myself with dish as delightful as my grandmother’s Thanksgiving stuffing. Not that I remember my grandmother actually stuffing a turkey, but I am feel that millet is just as good, and I am confident that it is more nutrient dense!

I have not experimented much with millet because I love it so much as a dressing substitute, but I have a feeling that my love will only grow with time and new recipe ideas. ::dreamy sigh::

Flax Flaxseeds
Flaxseeds entered my life in the form of flaxseed oil. Within a month or so my pain had lessened noticeably and flax was here to stay. But flaxseed oil is expensive, so I soon replaced it with a coffee grinder and flaxseeds bought in bulk. Each week I grind a pound and put it in the freezer to be used in smoothies, bread, or any time I want to experiment with an egg substitute.

It may take a lot of ground flaxseeds to make a difference in the way that you feel, but at $2.00/lb, it is not going to break the bank.

Please enlighten me if you know any great foods that I should try. And if you have recipies for using lentils, millet, or flaxseeds you simply must share!

Resenting Pregnancy

By Rae December 17, 2009 The Feminine 15 Comments

Guest Post
It has recently come to my attention that there are very few resources for women who are pregnant and resent their pregnancy. Not all women are gloriously thrilled to discover they are pregnant, and many feel incredibly alone. I am far from an expert on the topic of resenting pregnancy, so I asked my mother for insight to share here. After having given birth to 11 children, this woman knows a thing or two about what it is like to be pregnant and unhappy about it!

This post should be useful for the typical woman who is pregnant and knows that she will be keeping the baby, but really resents it. If you are in a more desperate situation, please seek assistance from a professional.

Are you dealing with a pregnancy which you resent? In a world where it seems that every pregnancy is either the center of the universe or else aborted, you may feel more alone than you ever have before. You are not alone. Many women have shared this experience, though few will admit it publicly. Your exact situation is unique, but the feeling of wishing that you had never gotten pregnant, or at the least could blissfully enjoy pregnancy, is quite common.

If you are pregnant and resenting it, please consider this:

It is normal to take time to adjust to an unexpected pregnancy. Between the hormonal upheaval of the first trimester and the daunting reality of this new child, it would be unusual to not have times where you are unhappy about being pregnant. Even women who planned their pregnancy for years find themselves with mixed emotions once they are actually pregnant.

Pregnancy will get better with time. Expecting a baby may feel like the end of the world when you first find out, but it will get better. You might think that things could only get worse once you have the physical discomfort of the third trimester, but most women will find that they have already bonded with their baby by the time they are reduced to waddling around, and there is actually great joy in the midst of the pain.

Do not do anything crazy while you are still upset from finding out that you are pregnant. It is perfectly alright to cry and scream and eat a pint of chocolate ice cream while you come to terms with your pregnancy. But it is also important to not make any desperate decisions that you will regret later. Instead of hurting yourself, your baby, or the man who got you here, do something enjoyable to take your mind off of the pregnancy.

There is no correlation between loving pregnancy and being happy as a mother. There have been times when it was very difficult to bond with a baby who was both wanted and planned. But I found another baby simply irresistible, even though I had spent the pregnancy wishing that she did not exist! Some women simply adore pregnancy and then find themselves with a very difficult child. Other women despise every moment of their pregnancies but are very happy with their wonderful children once they are actually born. You may be unhappy now, but your angel baby could change all that.

You may have good reason to resent your pregnancy. Resenting pregnancy does not make you a bad mother. Whether you are stressed from dealing with a toddler (or three!) or simply suffering through hot weather with no air conditioner, sometimes pregnancy is the last thing any woman would want to deal with. Do not berate yourself for your unhappiness, focus on what you can do to make yourself feel better!

Pamper yourself. Whether it is a long bubble bath with candles, a leisurely walk by the lake, or simply taking time to find a new purse, it is important that you take care of yourself. During pregnancy aromatherapy can be especially wonderful. Experiment with tried and true scents such as lemon, lavender, rose, or branch out with some cedar wood or basil!

Talk to a trusted friend. It is of utmost importance that you find someone you can trust to encourage you to be positive during this difficult time, even if the friend is not the first person you normally run to. You partner may be equally upset, your mother too thrilled at being a grandmother to think of you, your best friend unhappy because of her struggle with infertility. You need to share your thoughts with someone who can let you talk without becoming stressed themselves or, even worse, judging you for your feelings.

Do you have a story to share of resenting pregnancy? Please feel free to post advice you found helpful.

Conflicted

By Rae December 11, 2009 Life 37 Comments

Me: Sometimes I think that we’re a little conflicted about the number of children we plan¹ to have.

-Silence-

Me: Or maybe it is just me.
Josh: I think that it is probably just you.
Me: How many children do you want?
Josh: 2 to 12.
Me: Oh! So you’re not conflicted at all, you know that anywhere between 2 & 12 is fine.
Josh: Exactly.

How many children do/did you plan to have?

1. I really do mean “plan”. If it were simply a matter of hoping, then I would hope that we could care for every child who needs care. But perhaps this needs its own post?

December: The Feminine

By Rae December 3, 2009 The Feminine 9 Comments

My apologies for forgetting to actually publish this on the 1st. Please overlook my lack of feminine organizational skill.

I have decided to dedicate December to pondering The Feminine. You may counter that December is supposed to be about the Divine Infancy, and that any remembrance of the feminine should be relegated to congratulating ourselves on refraining from sacrificing virgins during the solstice. You may be right, but I already have my posts planned.

In no particular order:

On Spiritual Motherhood & my inability to get on the bandwagon

Goal setting in terms of the menstrual cycle

Resenting Pregnancy (and other topics that good Christian women won’t talk about in public)

Always Advent: In which I admit that Lewis might have something good to contribute to the conversation about singleness

Sexual Intimacy for the Betrothed: the story of how my now-husband and I became sexually intimate during engagement and how it was one of the few things we did correctly

On the misconception that marriage is the place for ultimate feminine surrender

Those are the drafts I have so far. I would love more ideas. Please comment if there is anything that you would like to know about Catholics and women’s issues (“rude” questions welcome). Please also comment if there are topics that you have been considering that you do not want to risk discussing on your own blog, or if you would simply appreciate another perspective. Please do not comment yet if you want to burn me for my heresy. Those comments should follow the actual posts.

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