There Is No Wealth But Life

Using Fertility Awareness to Reduce Repeated Miscarriage

By Rae July 31, 2010 The Feminine 15 Comments

As expected for someone whose life is made up of clichés, I learn something new everyday. Knowledge is a beautiful (terrible) thing and I should certainly rejoice at any chance to learn. But in reality my response to new knowledge is often irritation that I did not already know it. And that irritation turns to anger when it is information which I think that others need, but do not have.

Did you know that, for women with a history of miscarriage, timing of intercourse for conception is important for reducing the rate of repeated miscarriage?

Conception which results from intercourse which occurs less than 48 hours prior to ovulation is considered “optimal” timing. Conception resulting from intercourse which occurs either before or after the optimal time is considered “non-optimal.” This seems rather obvious, but I had never considered the implications.

For average women with good fertility, optimal timing of intercourse is not important in predicting whether they will miscarry. And since most women seeking pregnancy simply want to get pregnant, it is good for them to engage in intercourse on all fertile days¹ possible without concern for optimal timing. Otherwise they may miss a chance to conceive.

But for those women who have previously suffered miscarriage and care as much about avoiding the tragedy and trauma of another as they do becoming pregnant at all, it may be well worth the effort to try for optimal timing of intercourse.

This is a simple step for those who are already using fertility awareness based methods of natural family planning.

The goal is to have intercourse on the last day of peak cervical fluid. Many women can make an educated guess at which day will be the last day of peak fertility based upon at least six previous cycles. One woman may know that her last peak day has been either day 16 or 17 for the past year, and thus reasonably assume that it will be for the next cycle. Others may have a greater range in cycle days on which they tend to ovulate, but still have a typical number of high fertility days preceding ovulation. If a woman sometimes ovulates on day 10 and other times on day 25, but always has 4 days of peak cervical fluid preceding ovulation, she can simply count the days of cervical fluid rather than paying attention to the cycle day. Fertility monitors/OPKs may also be most useful.

I suspect that fertility experts do not talk about this because achieving pregnancy is their greatest goal, and seeking optimal timing of intercourse is likely to extend the time required to achieve pregnancy since waiting for peak fertility requires one to risk missing it entirely. But if I had suffered a previous miscarriage, I would be quite happy to wait longer for conception in order to cut my chance of a repeated miscarriage in half.² Using fertility awareness to avoid miscarriage makes perfect sense to me since I am already accustomed to thinking of it to achieve or avoid pregnancy. It seems to me that every couple should have this information in order to make an informed choice.

What about you? Do you think that you would be willing to risk waiting longer to conceive in order to reduce the risk of a repeated miscarriage? Do you think that it is good for doctors to not mention this, so that women do not feel as though they have yet anther thing to worry about, or even to feel unnecessarily guilty about after a repeated miscarriage?

Did you already know all of this and wonder why it was news to me?

1. Yeah, the “every other day so that sperm can build up” is a bit out of date. Please don’t comment correcting me unless you’re linking to recent studies!

2. “The adjusted relative risk of spontaneous abortion among women with non-optimally timed conceptions and a history of pregnancy loss was 2.35 (95% confidence intervals 1.42 to 3.89).” Source

How has NFP worked for you? -Part VIII

By Rae July 30, 2010 The Feminine No Comments

Kathleen’s Answer

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Am I a counter-cultural because I use NFP, or did I choose to use NFP because I am wired to be counter-cultural? Probably it’s a little of both. But I do know this: NFP colors my view of the world. In all things, not just in matters of family planning, I approach the world with an eye toward working with what is natural instead of trying to manipulate it, a practice that does more harm than good for all involved. And although I value this about myself, I must also admit that it lays me open to frustration. I rage against the culture because I feel powerless to change it—helpless in the face of consumerism and dissociation from nature; helpless in the face of the deliberate, closed-minded obstinacy that pops up any time someone dares to suggest that NFP is good for everyone, not just super-Catholics.

You can read more about Kathleen’s experience with NFP at her blog So Much to Say, So Little Time.

How has NFP worked for you? -Part VII

By Rae July 30, 2010 The Feminine No Comments

Jenelle’s Answer

When Rae asked me to guest post I was surprised. This is my first one so I’m not sure how to start. My name is Jenelle. I’m 25 and I have been married for 2 years – no kids yet. My husband and I are both cradle Catholics but only one of us was excited to learn about NFP, I was the skeptic. This is about how NFP has worked for me (and my husband).

The first thing that comes to my mind is openness. People hear about how Catholics must be open to life and must not use contraception. I would argue it is so much more than that. It’s not a rule, it’s an invitation to change your perception. Growing up I always thought I would get married in my late 20s and have two kids in my 30s – it was an idea I thought was set in stone. Then I met my husband, got married, and started using NFP. Before the wedding, my idea on kids hadn’t changed much – they were later on and not too many. Now, everything has changed but not in the “I want to be the next Mrs. Duggar” way. Going into marriage I was closed off to the idea of letting God lead me in the matters of children. I wasn’t using any “protection” so He could force my hand if he wanted me to have kids sooner right? Now it’s not about the timeline at all. There is no time and no number in my head, there is just the desire to see my married love grow into another person to love. I’m open to changes in my life path and, despite the fact that “planning” is in the name, it is much easier for me to go with the flow when things don’t go according to plan in any area of my life. I truly believe that NFP has helped me become more open to the possibilities that life brings each day.

The second main point that jumped to my mind is humility. I am humbled to know my husband respects all of me and I need to do the same (respect myself and my husband). I can’t continue believing I can do anything if I work hard. It is an American value, but not a Catholic one. Just because I want kids does not mean I am entitled to “work hard” and use any method available to make that happen. God has a different path for everyone and I need to be humble enough to accept it. NFP has helped me get past my stubborn nature and accept some surprises that have come my way.

The third thing is, quite obviously, that is works. I have not had a surprise (or any) pregnancy. I know more information about my body and I’ve been able to be diagnosed and treated for endometriosis instead of going on the pill for medical reasons not specified. Yet above that, it is my increased understanding of the beauty and gift of love and sex and procreation. My biggest hope right now is that, whether or not I receive the gift of procreation, I will remember the lessons of openness and humility in order to accept the unfamiliar path God has shown me.

You can read more of Jenelle’s experience with NFP at her blog Effortlessly Complicated.

How has NFP worked for you? -Part VI

By Rae July 30, 2010 The Feminine No Comments

Trena’s Answer

Four months before we were married, my husband and I attended a seminar on Natural Family Planning because it was required by our church. We knew, even before attending the seminar, that we would use NFP since it was one of the church teachings. Although we had little knowledge of how it worked, we knew it was the right thing to do. The seminar was amazing and we learned more about the female body then either of us had learned throughout our schooling. We were fascinated by the facts of the reproductive system and how God designed a woman’s body in such a perfect way.

For us, NFP has been more than learning how the female body works. We had no idea how much using NFP would strengthen our marriage. NFP made us talk about sex and have intimate conversations, that we may not have had if we used birth control. Sex no longer was sex but it was making love; what it should be. When we planned to avoid pregnancy, we discussed the consequences of making love on that particular day and if we were both ready to become parents. We had a burning desire to be parents but at the time we didn’t feel it was right. So we practiced SPICE during that time and were able to reconnect on a spiritual level.

When we decided we were ready to become parents, we knew, thanks to our chart, when we could achieve such an amazing goal. I remember looking at my chart every night, comparing it to the last several months and knowing, in just a few days, it would be here.

We were successful at achieving pregnancy our first month, with both pregnancies. We thank NFP for that.

You can read more of Trena’s experience with NFP (including the most hilarious NFP story I have ever read) at her blogThe Third Prayer.

How has NFP worked for you? -Part V

By Rae July 30, 2010 The Feminine No Comments

Elizabeth’s Answer

NFP has worked perfectly for us. I’m one of those women with textbook cycles (even the old rhythm method probably would’ve worked for us!). Even when I went off the pill, my body was easily able to get back into its natural cycles, and despite our uncertainties, we were easily able to avoid conceiving. (This is not to say it wasn’t hard in other ways.) We were also able to conceive easily. Really, the only part that wasn’t easy was discerning as a couple when we should try to postpone pregnancy and when we should try to achieve it! Oh, and I guess the abstinence part But once you’re used to it, the first part of the week is fairly easy, though of course by the end you’re really ready!

You can read more of Elizabeth’s experience with NFP at her blog That Married Couple.

How has NFP worked for you? -Part IV

By Rae July 29, 2010 The Feminine 8 Comments

How NFP has worked for me
Continued from Parts I, II, and III

Maggie’s Answer

How has NFP worked for me? NFP has helped me in a psychological and emotional way. Without going into too much ugly personal detail, I began various forms of birth control when I was 15 years old, and it was NOT because I had acne or heavy periods. I became a slave to sex and men even though birth control is thought to be “freeing.” But I was doing what every other girl my age was doing, so surely it was all OK. But life never got “OK.” I dreamed of finding “The One” but all the guys I was with only cared about one thing and once they got enough, they broke my heart. To ease my pain I would stumble from guy to guy and soon I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped taking birth control when I was 20 years old, long before my “spiritual growth spurt” because of the emotional and physical toll it was taking on my body. I was on the Depo shot and it was messing with my hormones and making my weight jump all over the place. Plus the more I gave my body away (and it was very easy to do knowing there was a very high chance of not getting pregnant) the more I was chipping away at my soul and my own dignity. I felt worthless because of how I let men use me.

When I experienced my reversion back to the Catholic Church I immediately read into sexual morality because I believed that my sexuality and womanhood was one tool Satan used to keep me away from God. I read about the horrors of artificial birth control and understood why it was a mortal sin to use it. (Guess how really naïve I was before I came back to the Church? I honestly thought that the Church taught that birth control was frowned upon because it caused premarital sex but it was acceptable to use in marriage. Talk about having a Homer Simpson “D’OH!” moment when I learned that wasn’t true…) I read about the beauty of NFP and I immediately accepted it as the way to plan my future family. It wasn’t because “the Church says so” but because it just makes sense. I don’t need to preach to the choir here about the negative effects of artificial birth control and the awesomeness of NFP, but when I learned about all this I was blown away.

When I started dating my husband I went on the birth control pill because a few horrid, stressful semesters had caused some serious discomfort with my menstrual cycle. Ugh… how hypocritical, I know. I was a theology major for goodness sakes! I knew I could help ease the problems of my period by diet and exercise, but I just felt I was too busy. I took that typical easy/lazy route and popped a pill. The physical temptation was so great for my husband and I as soon as I got on the pill, but I just ignored it. I was a good Catholic girl now, I could stop us before we got too far.

It was my husband who asked me to stop taking the pill and to research if there was a vitamin or diet I could go on to regulate my period. He was completely honest with me and said he was starting to struggle with seeing me as an object and he didn’t want to go down that path. Here he was, a criminal justice major who had just started going back to church and had never even heard of Theology of the Body telling me what I had learned in all of my theology classes. I knew right then and there that he was my soul mate and that he truly and honestly loved me. That opened the door to us really understanding how NFP can help a marriage. Sex with my husband is a million times better than any kind of physical relationship I had with previous men. Not just because we are married, but because with NFP we are totally giving ourselves to each other and we are following God’s will. It’s not a selfish or distorted relationship like I had always experienced before. I finally feel like I can be myself, and I know my husband loves me completely and totally and gives his whole self to me. I used to think birth control was freeing… wow, did I have a distorted view point. It is with NFP where the true freedom lies. It makes our marriage so much richer and fulfilling in and out of the bedroom.

You can read more about Maggie’s experience with NFP at her blog From the Heart.

How has NFP worked for you? -Part III

By Rae July 29, 2010 The Feminine 3 Comments

How NFP has worked for me
Continued from Parts I and II

Alison’s Answer

In my experience, usually when people ask “How does NFP work in your marriage?” they’re mostly curious/concerned about the abstinence required to make using NFP to postpone children successful. At first it seems like taking a step backward and is really a curious idea that after you get married you would choose to abstain from sex. After all, isn’t that why Christians get married in the first place? (joke) I had a friend ask me once, after knowing that we used NFP, “So seriously, you guys don’t do ANYTHING during the time your fertile?” And the answer is still no, there is no genital contact. Whew. Ok, now that we got that out of the way, what does NFP look like in our marriage?

After a two-year courtship and 10 month engagement, I first want to say that it was much harder for us to be chaste before we were married than to practice NFP during our marriage. While sexual intimacy is an important part of our marriage, it is not the only part of our marriage. The abstinence required to use NFP to postpone pregnancy does take some time to get used to and to learn to navigate your relationship without having that guarantee bonding “fix-it glue” of intercourse, which won’t always be present in a relationship for various reasons anyway. However, having other aspects of our relationship that allows us to bond just as closely is just like fortifying our house with multiple reinforcements, not just one And ultimately, we want this house of our marriage to be strong enough to withstand anything that comes our way. Using NFP helped us concentrate on our verbal and physical communication in our relationship, which has ultimately made our marital bond stronger. NFP also has given a purpose to our sexual intimacy and while being fulfilling, it is also incredibly romantic.

Additionally, using NFP has helped my husband and I be more attentive and have respect for each other and our sexual differences. While most say NFP respects the female fertility, I believe the respect it has fostered for my husband and his masculinity has been equal if not greater! During our infertile days, it has become more important that we live in the moment and not take each other for granted, which plays out in our sexual intimacy. Even if the moment isn’t ideal for me – or him – when you know something isn’t available just whenever you want it, it helps you treasure that connection even more.

These days, my husband and I are using NFP still, but now to achieve pregnancy. The knowledge of my cycle has been extremely helpful in understanding when pregnancy is likely, as well as to make “trying to have a baby” truly a cooperative event between my husband and I. I’ve heard too many stories of the woman taking charge of her fertility to have a child, discovering sub-fertility, and not having the support of her husband as they pursue their options because he has no idea how a woman’s cycle even works. This journey is hard enough already, I can’t imagine not having his support! I really feel like my husband is involved in this as much as possible because he already knows my cycle and understands the directions out there for us to pursue. He is not marginalized from this process and understands that his role in co-creating a new life is equally important. Having used NFP that first year of our marriage also instilled in us that fertility is a gift that is not to be controlled or taken for granted. I really believe that prepared us deal with the emotional side of sub-fertility much better than we may have without it.

You can read more of Alison’s experience with NFP at her blog Matching Moonheads.

How has NFP worked for you? -Part II

By Rae July 28, 2010 The Feminine No Comments

How NFP has worked for me
Continued from Part I

Michelle’s Answer

First of all. NFP WORKED for us every time we have WORKED NFP. We are a couple that has a 100% success rate with NFP in achieving and avoiding. That’s not to say that with each child we always decided at the beginning of the cycle to avoid and ended up not pregnant. You see, here has been our experience with NFP. We avoided for almost a complete year after learning NFP. We needed that time as we had a baby already and hadn’t discerned together that the time had come for another one. However, 11 months after stopping “the Pill” we both discerned that the time was right and we achieved pregnancy with our second daughter. We successfully avoided after her for almost two years. And then, we had a cycle where we checked the “avoid” box as our plan…but in the middle of the cycle, let’s just say…those hormones and pheromones were rocking and we just said, “What the heck? We can handle three!” And so, we achieved pregnancy with our third. We successfully avoided after our third daughter was born for another 2+ years. Then we discerned it was time to be open to another blessing, should it be God’s will…and our son joined our family 2 years and 11 months after our third daughter.

I think the biggest way NFP has worked for my husband and me is to change our worldview on family. Before NFP, we viewed our marriage as an entity separate from the children. Children were something we would have if and when we wanted them. After accepting NFP into our lives, children became the ultimate fulfillment of our marriage vows; a complete acceptance of ALL of each other to produce, in cooperation with God, the perfect miracles of life.

You can read more of Michelle’s experience with NFP at her blog Musings of a Catholic Lady.

How has NFP worked for you? -Part I

By Rae July 27, 2010 The Feminine 5 Comments

Meg asked “Do you practice NFP? If you do and feel comfortable, could you write a post on how it’s worked for you?” Somehow my “yes, though I prefer to think of it as ‘fertility awareness‘ and it works wonderfully” did not seem like much of a post. So I asked some other women if they would write a paragraph answering the question “How has NFP worked for you?” The response was far better than I expected, so I now present you with the first in a series of posts addressing the question of how NFP has worked for very real women.

How NFP has worked for me

Rebecca’s Answer

One year ago, NFP Awareness Week and the blogging community introduced me to NFP; at first I was skeptical and overwhelmed, and doubtful that I could really do it. As I learned more, it became clear that NFP was the right answer. The first thing NFP did for me was free me from the idea that the only reliable way to prevent pregnancy was the pill (and abstinence of course). I was experiencing negative side effects of using the pill but I felt trapped because I knew that avoiding pregnancy was something we wanted to do for the foreseeable future.

As I researched the other contraceptive options, everything else had worse side effects or obstacles for us and NFP was not something I was familiar with (even though I had been raised Catholic and we attended pre-Marriage classes before our wedding). All I knew was that the Catholic Church was against birth control, but I didn’t know why and I thought the ‘rhythm’ method was our only option. After just 1 month hormone-free, I was starting to feel better. Not only did I lose the constant bloated feeling, but I felt more emotionally stable and in control of my emotions. As I learned how to read my signs, I gained a new respect for the power of my body. Now that my husband and I have used NFP for 7 months, it has done so much more. We communicate more about our physical relationship; I feel like I’m not alone in preventing pregnancy; and we feel confident in our discernment that we have just cause to avoid pregnancy at this time. Most importantly, NFP gave us back control of our fertility.

You can read more of Rebecca’s experience with NFP at her blog Feel My Love.

Feminism and Fertility

By Rae July 26, 2010 The Feminine 24 Comments

My views on birth control somehow blissfully line up with the rest of my religion. This is a wonderful thing, but it almost certainly would not have happened for another 50 years were it not for the fact that my Church’s teachings lined up with my feminist views.

Wait, you think that feminism is synonymous with contraception and abortion? That liberating women means freeing us from our bodies, from ourselves?

Oh dear.

Feminism for me means refusing to accommodate men by being less of a person.

From my early teens I had only thought about how this applied to sex in terms of my mind. There was no way that I was going to separate my brain from my sexuality for the majority of guys who were interested in my body but not my mind. Holding true to this principle was easy because I was not sexually attracted unless I was intellectually attracted. Who wants someone to “buy me champagne, because they say that they admire my brain” when one can actually have both a sexual and intellectual connection?

But then I took a class on feminist philosophy during the same semester that I first really heard Catholic teaching on contraception. And I realized that separating my fertility from the rest of my sexuality was simply stupid in light of my goal of being uncompromisingly woman.

My sexuality is composed of my ability to be a mother as much as it is my ability to be a lover. Why should I insist on maintaining the unity of my mind and body, only to tear my sexuality apart and suppress half of it in order to please a potential lover?

I determined to live by a very simple rule: if I am fertile, and not desirous of pregnancy, then I do not engage in sexual intercourse.

It seems silly to others, after all, why not just suppress the fertility that I do not desire to use in order to engage in the pleasure that I do desire? The answer is that I do not want to use any part of myself. My fertility, just like my mind, is a part of who I am as a woman. It is not something which I engage or disengage as needed. I am not a mind which uses my body, nor a body which uses my mind. I am a person. And I refuse to be less of a person in order to accommodate men.

And that is why authentic feminism and fertility awareness are inseparable for me.

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