There Is No Wealth But Life

Blogging Goal Update

By Rae December 30, 2010 Meta 1 Comment

I posted a few weeks ago about my goal of getting this blog on Josh’s homepage in Chrome.

Apparently many of my fair readers are not familiar with the way that Chrome’s most visited thumbnails work. Basically, it is what it sounds like: the websites you visit most frequently show up.

Josh reads all of my posts, but there are two problems with getting this blog into Josh’s speed dial:

  • He reads blogs in a reader so he doesn’t need to visit my blog unless he is looking at the comments
  • He must visit my blog more frequently than he does all but seven other sites in order to make it into the top 8.

Thankfully you were all very obliging in commenting, and then a few others stopped by repeatedly to say the sort of thing that would keep Josh clicking back through. So I am pleased to report that nowealthbutlife.com is now one of Josh’s top most visited sites! Of course it meant knocking out catholic.nowealthbutlife.com, but sometimes you have to take one for the team. Especially when the team consists solely of one’s multiple personalities.

And then I have a confession to make: Josh also has multiple blogs (it must run in the family) and none of them has ever come anywhere close to making my Chrome homepage.

As I reflect on all of this I am not sure whether to feel victorious, or just a little bit guilty.

Learning to Nag

By Rae December 29, 2010 Relationships 6 Comments
A few weeks ago Craig of Deep into Love wrote a post in response to my post about love and housework. In it he wrote that “Nag” is often “man-speak” for a woman telling a man the unvarnished truth.

I was a bit taken aback to see such a concise explanation of something which I have struggled with for four years.

I never wanted to be a nag. Nags are nasty people, usually women, so worn down by their attempts to get others to live well that they cloud their relationships with bossiness to the point that there is nothing else left. Nags treat everyone, even–or perhaps especially–their spouses, as immature children. I remain convinced that there is a reason that Nag rhymes with Hag.


Nagging was simply out of the question for me.

And then Josh and I got engaged.

As we worked through all that we could before getting married Josh made it abundantly clear that he saw nothing wrong with nagging. Josh was raised to expect that his wife would orchestrate all things domestic and assumed that would include reminding him repeatedly of any way in which he failed to do his part promptly and correctly. I was horrified at the thought. I was not going to treat Josh as anything less than a responsible adult; one whom I just so happened to love, respect, and admire enough to marry.

When I found myself bringing something up more than once or twice I would worry and ask Josh if he felt nagged. Invariably Josh replied that he did not feel nagged, but that it would be fine in any case. And then I would try to figure out a way to not care about whatever the issue was so that there would be no need to bring it up again.

A few months ago things finally clicked.

I asked Josh why he hadn’t done something since we moved in May. He replied that he had not thought about it. I responded that he must have thought about it since we had discussed it three previous times… and then I stopped mid-thought. “Wait, you mean you didn’t do it because I didn’t nag you and you don’t remember things unless you are nagged?”

Thankfully Josh manages the kindest of expressions, even when his face is screaming “DUH!”

Once again I have to deal with marriage as an intimate relationship with a real person rather than an idea. I do not want to be a nag. But I am married to ADHD-I Incarnate, and he just so happens to feel loved when I repeatedly remind him of things he may have forgotten.

Today I am actively working on “telling Josh the unvarnished truth” concisely and repeatedly. I do not want to be a nag, but I can settle for being a loving wife who engages in nagging early and often.

So if you think that I sound like a nagging wife, don’t be afraid to tell me. I will take it as a compliment.

I am thankful 12/26/2010

By Rae December 28, 2010 Gratitude 4 Comments

For Christmas. And midnight mass. And all the Christmas beauty that I missed last year.

For snow. And a blizzard that trapped me in a cabin in the woods with no electricity or internet, making it impossible to post about what I was thankful for, but quite able to be thankful for much.

For family. Even amidst the most stressful sort of non-fight (you know the type where people retreat to their respective sides of the house and mutter curses at each other?) there are delightful moments with good memories to be made. There was very little talk of the holy family on Sunday, which, I suppose, is just as well all things considered.

For Christmas carols. And belting out every verse to God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen with my sister. Some Christmas songs were meant to be sung as bar tuns. Especially when there is no alcohol involved. Then you may really need the added zip.

For cakes. This Christmas involved an apple cake that turned out correctly, a should-have-been pineapple upside down cake that turned into a pineapple/blueberry/coconut bundt (and tasted quite good, even with the inadvertently reduced fat and sugar), a brownie torte, and an epic fruitcake  made mostly by my youngest sister from my grandmother’s recipe. Apparently the recipe was never lost but it never occurred to anyone to actually make it since my grandmother’s death a quarter century ago. Apparently fruitcake can taste good, when it is an ancient, Southern, teetotaler recipe.

For a certain brother. I had not realized before how much of Christmas was connected to  one brother until this the first year that I was “home” for Christmas when he was not.

For New Year’s resolutions. 2010′s has worked out pretty well for me (even if I am fittingly late with this last post) and I am looking forward to 2011′s, even though I am not yet certain of what is worth resolving.

Country Music

By Rae December 16, 2010 Good to Know 8 Comments

I need you to tell me… honestly… is this in any way country music?

Because, if so, I must admit to liking some country music. And what a day that would be! So it must be something else… blues, maybe? Someone please tell me all about the difference between blues and country!

And then tell me all about the sorts of music that you not only dislike, but dislike on principle.

Twitter: Why What You Ate For Lunch Matters

By Rae December 13, 2010 Meta 17 Comments

Earlier this autumn I got the chance to meet the lovely Sarah Joy Albrecht and her husband Tom for lunch. Spending time with Sarah was delightful and I wished that I had hours more to pepper her with questions. I would love to sit down with Sarah with a mug of tea and simply listen to her for the afternoon.

It struck me as quite surprising that Sarah Joy should be the first person I met through this blog. After all, I knew her primarily as “that cool woman in Japan” and even though she was back in the United States it still seemed unexpected for us to meet (and for her to be willing to go so far out of her way!).

But after I calmed my ebullient little self down from the excitement of meeting Sarah Joy I realized that it really did make sense. Even though Sarah Joy and I don’t comment on each other’s every post or spend hours chatting blog strategy, we do follow each other on Twitter. And without exception I feel as if I know blog friends on Twitter immensely better than the bloggers who do not use Twitter. It does not matter how many 1000s of words I have read in blogposts or emails, I do not feel the same connection with those behind the blogs that I read as I do with those who share their lives with me in 140 characters or less.

Twitter foes suggest that Twitter is worthless because it is full of egomaniacs who blather on about what they ate for lunch. And Twitter fans often like to counter that Twitter is a great tool for social networking and that it is useful for far more than learning what others ate for lunch. If you are really lucky the Twitter fan will even respond with graphs explaining how Twitter is not a social network and exactly why it is so much smarter than Facebook.

But I am not a social media snob. I will freely admit that I both tweet and read a lot about daily activities. And I will also insist that that is worth far more than you might imagine. If you are a superstar-infallible-expert-snazzy-deliciousness-incarnate in your chosen field then you live in your own world. But for the rest of us, the greatest impact that we will ever have comes from being people in relationship with each other. The more fully human we are, the more significant these relationships.

What you ate for lunch is part of who you are as a person. Did you skip lunch because you were in a hurry or too spacey to remember it? Did you sit down for a 4-course picnic with your children on the living room floor? Did you eat the exact same sandwich at your desk as yesterday and every other workday since the beginning of time? Did you cry over your new gluten-free diet? All of this is a part of who you are, and one of the easiest ways to convey “realness” online. Unless you are a professional Twitter-er (or just have a particularly rare form of concise genius) you cannot be active on Twitter and edit yourself into the non-human existence we call perfection.

So I love Twitter both because it’s concise format is easy, and because the ease leads to wonderfully human interaction with people I would never have the chance to get to know otherwise. I use Twitter because I know that what you ate for lunch is important. Very important.

Are you a Twitter fan? If not, why not? If you are on Twitter and I’m not following you, please let me know.

And if you are interested in getting started on Twitter and have no idea whom to follow I’d be happy to give you some personalized recommendations. Twitter is only boring and useless if you don’t follow the right/enough people. And I can help you get over that problem veeery quickly. ;-)

I am thankful 12/12/2010

By Rae December 12, 2010 Gratitude 4 Comments

For my heating pad. I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I really do love the thing.

For my job. I often imagine that I will be fired because I love my job so much that it has got to not work out, right? Bigger bonus than expected? Must mean that they’re planning on firing me and feel badly for planning it during the holidays! But even with my psychosis it is still so wonderful to worry about being fired rather than daydreaming about it.

For squash. And butter. I am thankful for the squash because of the chance to make the most delicious vegan sort-of-almost healthful bread, and butter because Josh was delirious with joy after spreading it on his bread.

For the lack of children in my life. Because it means that I don’t have to stress about things like butter and PBDE. And seriously, I have no idea how I’d deal with all of these things. So I will just smile at the cute kids everywhere and thank God that I am not responsible for poisoning them with things like butter and sippy cups. Check back in 10 years to follow the blog of a homeschool mom who spends her mornings milking goats in order to feed her children half-decent food!

Love and Housework

By Rae December 11, 2010 Relationships 51 Comments

One of the peculiar aspects of the identity of many women seems to be a feeling of responsibility for everything in the lives of those closest to them. This feeling leads us to not only overlook failings of men in our lives, but to actually justify them and assume them as our own responsibility. While overlooking faults can sometimes be a great grace (or at least a coping mechanism!) it is not ideal. The highest form of love is one which sees the faults of the beloved and then continues to love. Such a great love first accepts reality and then offers the beloved appropriate help in pursuing the remedies within reach.

But most of the women in my life are very much like myself in their failure to love well because of their inability to honestly accept and confront the failures of others. If something is wrong, it must be my fault. If only I were better at this, then he never would have failed at that!

I do not have the resources to deal with the deep problems of abusive relationships and codependency, so I will stick with something concrete which is a bit less troubling in itself but distressingly pervasive. You know where this is going, right?

Housework.

In a recent conversation with a few other young women the topic of housework came up after we asked one newly married woman how marriage was going. She replied with a simple “it is a lot of work!” and we all laughed, until we understood what she meant. The woman in question works full-time and then returns home to do all of the housework. Instead of doing her own laundry, cleaning up after herself, and heating up pre-made food or leftovers, she is now doing laundry for two, cleaning up after herself and a man who is home most of the day, and cooking a full meal each night. She said that she likes taking care of her husband, but she is absolutely exhausted.

This story is striking because it is absolutely clear that the husband in question is selfish and fails to love his wife half as much as he loves himself. But it is really only a slightly worse situation than that in which many women find themselves. Somehow there is this idea that women are responsible for the domestic work, no matter what their situation, and that if a man “helps out” it is exactly that–helping with something which is viewed as the woman’s problem.

If a woman is a student and a man works full-time everyone knows that she should do the vast majority of the domestic work. After all, her schedule is flexible! But if a woman works full-time and her husband is a student everyone knows that she is still responsible for most of the housework because he is busy with school! And we know that school is so much more demanding than an easy 40-hour work week.

The problem is even worse when children are added to the mix. Even in the case where the woman is not employed outside the home, she is often expected to do far more work than the man. She may work at home all day cooking, cleaning, buying Christmas presents, and chasing toddlers while he works away from home. But somehow at 6:00pm when he comes home everyone expects that he will rest while she keeps on working. The old rhyme “a man works from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done” is suddenly not funny. It is a sad way of phrasing the reality that in many homes, the wife is viewed by both spouses as less worthy of love, care, and honor. At the end of a workday the husband clearly deserves a break, but not the wife. Even when the wife is pregnant and exhausted she is expected to feel particularly indebted to her husband for “helping” her with a little bit of the housework!

I am painfully aware of all of this because in my house er.. apartment, things have been reversed for the past few weeks. I have done virtually no housework. It is true that Josh works from home and it is easier for him to do some things (I can’t exactly toss in a load of laundry in between phone calls at work). But at the end of the day it is still the end of the day for both of us.

When Josh starts the day by washing out my water bottle, grinding flaxseed, and making a smoothie for me to take with me, and then makes himself lunch (while I am at Mass, and then maybe back at my desk on Twitter drinking the rest of my smoothie, but certainly not doing anything resembling cooking), and then both pulls together and cleans up from supper while I lie dazed on the floor… two things are clear. First, Josh loves me. Second, I don’t really love Josh.

Because love does not take advantage of another.

Love does not neglect obvious opportunities to make the beloved’s life easier.

Love does not continually take from another without seeking to give more in return.

Love does not allow sexism to justify selfishness.

Love does not leave dishes for another to do “because I’m too tired.”

Love does not wallow in obliviousness while housework is miraculously taken care of by another.

Expecting one’s spouse to do all of the “extra” work is an indication of a serious lack of love.

I told Josh about how clear it seems to me that certain men simply do not love their wives and asked him what reasons he could think of other than pure selfishness which explain this behavior. Josh responded that many men may simply not notice or think of housework as significant. I asked him what a wife should do in such a situation. His answer? Nag.

Oh dear!

I don’t think that nagging is a particularly good solution most of the time (more on that in another post!) but I also realize that it is unloving to do nothing. If you passively allow another person to take advantage of you without honestly and lovingly addressing the situation, you fail to provide the space and support which they clearly need to mature into a mutually self-giving relationship, that is, Real Love.  It is not enough to simply do more of the physical work in a relationship, real love requires that one be willing to occasionally pick up the slack in initiating work on the hidden issues.

Of course real love is not always possible. Not everyone cares enough about his or her spouse to be willing to work for love. Sometimes caring enough to address an issue means that one just gets burned by the glaring fact that one’s spouse does not love enough to work on resolving the problem. Sometimes the best one can do is to pick up the pieces and move on while nurturing the hope that someday somehow things will get better. Real life hurts, and sometimes love does as well.

And sometimes you get lucky and the one who is slacking off happens to have been socially programed to do housework. In that case you can get away with patiently waiting for a few weeks and then she will get her act together and return to love in the form of grocery shopping.

Leather and Consistency

By Rae December 7, 2010 Failure 9 Comments

I learned something quite shocking last week. My conservative, traditional, Southern husband likes leather jackets. On me!

Now I knew that he liked a conservative, traditional, Southern leather jacket for himself, but had no idea he would like leather on me. And, to make it all the more astounding, he liked every single leather jacket that I tried on–even the one which was indisputably biker chick (not to be confused with biker chic!).

As we continued on to look at the winter coats I admitted that while I hesitate to wear a leather jacket I do not have the same qualms about down. Josh thought that insane.

I explained that leather jackets are made out of mammals which are basically me. But down jackets are made out of water fowl which are just about chickens, and I don’t like chickens at all.

Josh still thinks that I am inconsistent. But the leather/down question is nothing but a shadow. The real inconsistency is the fact that I did not bother to check out the brands and countries of origin of any of the jackets. So apparently I won’t wear leather because it is leather, but I don’t care if it was sewn together by underpaid kids in a sweatshop in Southeast Asia? Ouch.

What ethical concerns do you allow to come clothes shopping with you? And which ones do you conveniently forget at home? Do you care about whether your purchases are supporting companies that profit by exploiting children?

Analytics

By Rae December 6, 2010 Meta 37 Comments

I don’t care all that much about blog traffic, but I do love checking Google Analytics. It isn’t the numbers on the first page that delight me, it is the list of keywords that people search which lead them to my blog.

When I read through recent keywords I am almost always surprised. Sometimes I smirk, sometimes I sigh, and sometimes I wish that I could respond to the searchers directly. I can’t do that, but I can post here.

Before I do though, can I just say that people phrase their searches in really odd ways? Alright. Thank you.

Ways people found my blog in the past month:

i pass out when i prick my finger
Yikes, try to avoid that, okay?

if i dont have alot of iron in my blood can donating plasma make me pass out
Ehem, why are you asking me this? Oh yes, because I am the expert who posted about iron levels once. Well then, the answer is that anything can happen, but as long as you only donate plasma at a reputable (legal) center and avoid the vampire supplementation clinics you should be fine.

natural family planning with a contraceptive mentality
Sorry, doesn’t exist. You see, natural family planning relies on abstinence, and by definition that cannot be contraceptive. Whenever the Catholic Church refers to a “contraceptive mentality” She is talking about the mentality that promotes artificial contraception.

why people alway want something else
Because people are stupid and we like to make ourselves unhappy. If you figure out a solution let me know!

hate crock pots
 Me too!

“mother teresa” lentils
 That sounds like a great recipe! Please share when you find it!

a womens place quiverfull
 Oh, dear, must you depress me so?! I would really rather not think about such things.

am i called to be celibate and married
 See your spiritual director.

another way to say ‘not welcome’
 Oh, I struggle with finding ways to say things without offending others as well! Good luck!

aquinas claims that honesty and justice will not make us genuinely fulfilled or happy because
 …we cheat on our homework! Stop googling and actually do your reading!

are hair dryers good for the environment
 No.

as a catholic can i abstain from sex with my husband?
 I hope so, especially if you are Catholic!

assume another miscarriage
 I am so very sorry.

augustine +theology of the body
 Yeah, there are some issues there, aren’t there? Have fun sorting them out!

augustine marriage and celibacy
 Want the short version? Marriage= good, celibacy=better.

augustine’s marriage
 Wasn’t technically a marriage.

baby readiness test
 When you find a source of such answers inside yourself rather than the Internet, you are ready.

You never know who is looking through your blog "baby readiness test?"

bc pills to trigger ovulation
 Only if you’re a crazy anti-pill person. For the rest of us who listen to doctors, the pill suppresses ovulation.

being called providentialism because i don’t believe in using nfp
 Well that is a pity. Tell them I said to stop using big words they don’t understand and leave you alone.

being pressured into using nfp
 That is horrible. I am sorry. Unless, of course, the pressure is coming from yourself. In which case, good for you!

blood donation red wine
 Now that is an idea! Nothing like a glass of wine to make needles a bit less painful. Oh wait! Were you talking about communion?

can a catholic married couple consent to be celibate
 Of course! Otherwise you’d have to denounce most married Saints.

can a crock pot be used in place of a fondue pot
 Oh, now you make crock pots seem less worthless! Yum, fondue.

can crock pots stay on all day
 If they work.

can things only be in a crock pot for a few hours
 It depends upon whether you want them to taste good.

comparing children to older siblings
 Bad idea.

consummation necessary for marriage
 Nope. Otherwise you wouldn’t be married at your wedding (well at least not at any wedding I’d want to attend!).

counting calories is stupid
 It does feel that way, doesn’t it?

counting calories makes me unhappy
 Me too!

do catholics circumcise
 Yes, but they are not supposed to unless there is a health reason.

do i go to hell if im not circumcised
 You’ll have to see your rabbi for that one.

do not long for a brood of worthless children
 Good advice! The Bible is full of wisdom, isn’t it?

do people think your prettier than you think
 One can always hope, right?

does augustine thinks that marriage is wrong
 No, just inferior.

does your blood iron go up or down on your period?
 What makes you think it might go up? Just curious.

drawn towards quiverfull
 That is okay, just fight it! Your children will thank you.

dressed like a prostitute
 Did you mean to search for “women’s Halloween costumes?”

early church fathers celibacy bad
 I’m guessing that you’re still searching for that, so just wanted to let you know that you won’t find it. Try “early church fathers celibacy good” if you’d like results. Good luck!

Eating meat twice a week- iron?

eating meat twice a week – how long until iron levels are up?
 Have you considered taking iron?

engagement rings keep men from hitting on you
 So they do? Okay then, I’m buying one!

hair dryers ruin environment
 Yikes! And to think that I thought that eating meat and driving a lot was the problem!

how i went from nfp to quiverfull
 Let me guess, you went from Catholic to Fundamentalist Protestant.

how long does the iron from guiness take to raise ur iron count
 Such a good question! Would you considering sponsoring my research on the subject?

how often do crock pots cause house fires
 I don’t know and I don’t want to find out!

how often do you abstain in natural family planning
 Presumably for one segment of each menstrual cycle when avoiding pregnancy… how often you do that is up to you! Oh, and the length of abstaince could range from a few days to the rest of your life. Or, a more helpful average of a week or two each cycle for a healthy woman.

how to punish child formnotmwatching younger sibling
 Or you could consider perhaps being the parent and watching yourself?

how to tell a mom that she need to give attention to the older child too
 Presumably it depends upon your relationship with her. If she is your friend, address it the way you address any other issue. If you don’t really know her, then either say nothing if it isn’t really an issue, or call child services if it is a big problem.

i hate tests
Me too. Except for standardized tests. I like those.

if your child is a burden maybe its your fault
True, true!

is pulling all-nighters a sin?
 I hope not! On the other hand though, you should take care of yourself. Get some sleep.

lovely lady and habitat for humanity
Sounds like you had a good experience!

how to punish child formnotmwatching younger sibling

more time required to parent large families
Indeed.

nfp catholic young couples grad school
Sounds like a good idea to me!

nfp is pro-woman
Yes, indeed.

no electricity how can i dry my hair
Air?

no longer quiverfull
Good for you!

no wealth but life rae
I feel like you’re stalking me.

oldest child,too much responsibility as young kid
I am sorry.

overzealous catholics
I’m sorry! I can’t help it. I also can’t help being a little flattered that I was one of the top results for your search…

pain due to endometrosis what solution is unmarried
Hopefully anything that works. I wouldn’t suggest pregnancy. I hope you find something that works for you!

quiverfull and extra curricular activities
Wow. Let’s not go there.

quiverfull exhausted
I am sorry. Please figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself… and your children.

resentment husband resents me for having kids
Are they his kids? Are you pressuring him into sex when he doesn’t really want it?

results of a celibate marriage
What type? Forced through circumstance? Probably frustration. Chosen for spiritual reasons? Probably Saints.

siblings discipline each other
 Such a bad idea.

teenager “authority over” sibling
 Also a bad idea

was jesus a utilitarian
No.

what food did mother teresa eat
 Apparently lentils? If the other searcher gives me the recipe then I’ll be certain to share it with you.

what type of sex can you have in quiverfull?
 Oh goodness!

why can’t catholics write their own vows?
 Same reason they can’t make up their own order of service etc.

why do i always want to have control
 Because then you would be in charge?

why do my crock pot roasts turn out like bricks?
 Wait! I thought the reason to use a crock pot (other than fondue) was to have meat cook well!

why do selfish, self-centered, people seem to prosper
 That is a question for the ages.

you make your own happiness
 Yes, yes, and no.

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