The thing I love about the word “Hubris” is that only people who embody it use it. Life would be so much simpler if all words worked that way!

And I can’t help but thinking that it is the perfect word to describe why people post about not posting. Meta-much?

I really do try not to laugh at myself while blogging

No, really. As much as I love to read others’ interesting explanations for why they were blogging less, or exuberant declarations of all the engaging posts they have planned, I still think that there is something incredibly arrogant about assuming that there are people pining for new posts. Sure, there have been countless times when I have checked others blogs for nonexistent updates, but it is not as if their apologies for absence are actually directed at me. Which I guess just brings me back to the fact that I secretly believe that others all blog for themselves, even as some find it impossible to believe that I ultimately blog for myself er, I mean for Josh.

And yes, I do talk to myself in my head in precisely the same way that I write here.

But back to why I haven’t been blogging. We all already knew that, right?

I’ve been sick pretty much forever. Before being hired for my current job one of my fears was that I wouldn’t be able to work because of all of my health issues. As it turned out I was incredibly blessed with a job which I could handle quite well most of the time and with only minor difficulty a few days of the month.

And then my responsibilities changed. And then they changed again. And now I can’t handle anything. Add in the fact that I am an Introvert with a capital “I” and I am impressed that I can even talk to Josh for a few minutes at the end of a work day.

Surprisingly enough I have been content and–dare I say it–mostly happy. There is peace and relief in the realization that there is ultimately no need for me to be alive. Because of that, even if my life does not meet my standards, it is entirely alright.

I realized recently that if asked what I did this past year the only thing I could say would be “I wasn’t on the pill.” Basically I’ve just been sick and not done the only reasonable thing to remedy the situation. And yes, my dear sane, non-psycho-Catholic readers, I do realize the insanity.

Josh counters that I also managed to work and pay off debt, but really? I’ve done nothing.

I suppose that I can celebrate lessons learned, but that sounds rather active. And at the moment all I’m up for is periodically pretending that I am fine. Because if I can make myself believe it, then it will be true. Right? Right.

And now I guess this is the part where I tell you about all the fabulous posts I have planned. As it happens I have been sitting on some pretty great guest posts. But otherwise? Um. Well. I hope you like posts about chronic/women’s health issues and marriage, because that’s all I’ve got.

Now, about you. If you happen to read all of this I would love to hear about how you have been these past few months. If you have a blog then there is a good chance that I have kept up with reading it but remember aboslutely nothing. And, um, that’s not a joke.

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23 thoughts on “Hubris

  1. Katarina

    “Sure, there have been countless times when I have checked others blogs for nonexistent updates, but it is not as if their apologies for absence are actually directed at me. ”

    Am laughing at this because you described me to a T :)
    Am looking forward to your posts

  2. Jessica @ FPL

    Glad to have you blogging again! And I do like posts about marriage, seeing as that’s a big chunk of what I write about as well, so have at it! :)

    Are you planning to go on the Pill? I couldn’t tell from your post. I can understand your hesitation, even if it will help you; I recently talked to my GYN about a minor issue that could potentially be helped by going on the Pill, but I made it clear I preferred not to unless it was totally necessary. I think it would be a difficult switch from NFP, even temporarily. But I hope you will do whatever is best for your health, as that is very important!

    1. Rae Post author

      Thanks. And I am planning on going on the pill in a general sense, but I have needed to ever since I went off it, so I’m not yet counting on myself to follow through. You are right that for some reason it is difficult for me to switch off my cycles because fertility awareness is such an ingrained part of my life.

  3. CM

    Well, as a matter of fact, I HAVE been wondering where you were! And I’ve been missing you! Whatever you’ve read on my blog that you’ve forgotten probably isn’t worth remembering- and I especially hope you forgot the post where I mention some other “great” posts that I wanted to write. ;) Looking forward to whatever you come up with to post!

  4. MK

    Sorry things have been so rough for you… glad to see you back though!

    As for the why I haven’t been writing posts… for me its more of a “I still can’t think of anything to say and trying to break myself out of that rut” type of thing lol. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

  5. Christine

    I’m glad to here that you are alive and mostly well-ish. I was wondering what happened to you and how you were doing, so this post was timely. I hope things get better from now on or at least stay manageable. :)

  6. Michelle

    I have missed you as well! And, like CM, I sincerely hope you have forgotten all my arrogant posts talking about what wondrous writing I have planned for my readers! LOL!!

    I do hope you feel better soon. It is no good to be sick all the time. Hope to read more from you soon. But obviously…take care of YOU!!!


    1. Rae Post author

      Ha! The thing is, I *like* it when other people write posts about their upcoming great posts (and then the posts themselves) I just think it is funny when one hasn’t been posting at all.

      And thank you.

  7. Brad

    Not for nothing, but I absolutely adore the word “hubris” too. And yes I use it all the time–and yes, I probably really do embody it.
    What’s all this pap about “There is peace and relief in the realization that there is ultimately no need for me to be alive.” ??? Is this part of being crazy and Catholic, or just crazy? (or just Catholic?) Certainly Josh needs you to be alive!
    Take care, be well, and remember: “There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.” –Gandhi :)

    1. Rae Post author

      Probably crazy religious since I think most religions have some version of it. After all, what’s the point of a belief system to help you deal with life and death if it just makes you cling to life when all of us will eventually not have it as we know it?

      And I love that quote! :-)

  8. Michelle

    Was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were. Good to see you post something. Me — I’m still trying to find my “special purpose” and keep my life from unraveling too far too fast. Hang in there girl.

  9. Meg

    Thanks for coming back because I have been waiting!

    Anyways, more about me: I had our second baby, a boy. He’s so perfect (literally, never cries unless hungry, sleeps well, and has the best smile). We call him Reid. Our daughter loves him. Lets see..Trying to lose weight now, just got a new apartment ( move date in Dec.) so no more slumlords. Annnndddd….thats about it.

    You were missed.

  10. Claire

    The world cannot contain my awesomeness. That’s why I won’t be writing those posts I promised.

    Welcome back. I hope you stick around, even though we certainly cannot claim to comprehend your awesomeness. :)

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