Why Be Well?
Is it a bad thing when you’re trying to figure out how to phrase a post because you are aware that saying things in the most obvious way may make people think that you are depressed?
Perhaps. Perhaps not.
In any case, I was trying to write an email this week. Actually, I tried to write several emails, almost all of which still languish in the terrible swamp of unending-drafts. But in the case of this particular email I was trying to explain why I needed to pursue healthcare for myself now. And I could not do it. My mind found nothing as I sought reasons why I need to be well.
I perform well below my (former) intellectual capacity at work. I come home and am so exhausted that it is all I can do to tap out a poorly written post. I go to sleep. I buy groceries. I clean up a little around the apartment and cook some on weekends.
In short, I do everything that I need to do. I neglect my friends and family, but that cannot be quantified, and who is to say what is needed when it comes to relationships?
When I am awake enough to think I remember that this is not quite right, and I really should do something about it now that I have the resources, but my motivation is quite limited. I am not desperate to be better. I am accustomed to being in pain. Thus, even though I still live with levels that should indicate that somethingneedstobefixednow!! I am unmoved because the pain is so much less than it once was.
So there it is, the dark side of accepting life as I must live it now. I am content, I am fine, and I am utterly enervated when it comes to seeking health.
That looks a little depressing, but I am fairly certain that it is not actually an indication of depression. Exhaustion? Yes. Depression? No.
I know that when dealing with depression I should typically endeavor to carry on with whatever it is I had planned on back when I felt well. Yet that method does not work so well in this case because it has been so long since I really felt well, that I do not have anything recent enough to pursue now. I know that I should pursue health, but I have no reason other than health in itself. That is almost enough. Yes, yes it must be more than enough in some ways, but I know that health comes so much more naturally when one can coax the mind into wanting it for some reason or other that is larger than health itself.
This is, unfortunately, not a time to revive old dreams or restore hope. It is simply a time of waiting. That is all well and good, but it is quite difficult for me to combine calm patience with the energetic force required to pursue health.
After all, it is not as if I need to be well.
I think you’ve hit on something that we all succumb to from time to time. As my dad says….inertia is a powerful thing. Hang in there and do try to remember that you need to take care of yourself. Yes. you NEED to be well.
Thank you!
You NEED to be well. And, quite frankly, it is a bit selfish for you to wallow in your own self-pity and NOT pursue care. (Is this the right wrong thing to say or the wrong wrong thing?)
I am reminded of this line from Gaudium et Spes “Man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.”
Giving a sincere gift of self involves not only the giving of self, but creating the gift. Self-improvement and self-care is not selfishness.
You need to care for yourself for your friends and family. For Josh. For all the other people who depend on you or could depend on you. Your muddling along in less-sickness denies all these people the true wonder of who you are and all you have to give.
In other words, if your own health is not motivation enough, do it for the people who care about you and depend on you.
Let’s hope you’re wrong about me needing to be well! This is a part of a long journey for me. It is not like I haven’t tried to get help before or that there is some easy obvious cure out there. It is basically a matter of deciding when to sacrifice and give up quality of life now in order to pursue a possibility. Sure, it is necessary because we can never know, but it is rather like contributing to social security: you do it because you have to, not because you have any reason to think that it will actually help you later.
It is funny (in a wry sense) how poorly I communicate. This post is an expression of calm peace with a need to get moving again, no feelings of self-pity whatsoever. Perhaps it is possible that one would have to experience significant physical pain to understand. And yet at other times when I express happiness people read it as self-congratulations. But perhaps that is the nature of the blogging beast, and when it concerns me I simply don’t hit publish!
So, I guess the answer is that this was the wrong thing to say for a completely different reason than I thought.
I would say it is at least as good of a commentary on how poorly I understand.
Quoting Gaudium et Spes is *always* the right comment on this blog.
Perhaps this is a time of hibernation for you and with spring you will venture out more but beware of acedia ~ and if you haven’t already check out Kathleen Norris’s book on it.
http://www.amazon.com/Acedia-Me-Marriage-Monks-Writers/dp/B003JTHRLO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359660437&sr=8-1&keywords=acedia+and+me
I *love* that book! Rationally there is little reason to think that spring will change things since this exhaustion is something that I just have to deal with physically at this stage of life, but I love thinking about Spring metaphorically.
I’m probably projecting a bit, I get the ‘winter blues’ and so look forward to the increased sunlight of spring.